Why I love her

Me: Why, why, why is it that, at 31, I still find myself writing a shit paper at the last minute & thinking "this might have been good if I started 2 weeks ago"?!?!

Friend: Because everything you write is good, you just don't believe it - evidence is a highly successful academic career thus far

Me: I appreciate your confidence but empirical evidence - namely 9 yrs in grad school & 0 publications - indicates otherwise

Friend: Fuck publications

Friend: Academic publishing isn't ready for you yet

Sister, Sister

My sister and I usually e-mail back and forth during the week. We always ask each other's weekend plans. I told her I was going to Foxwoods to see So You Think You Can Dance Live with two girlfriends, and on Sunday we were getting massages at the spa.

She replied:

I had a massage last yr at Mohegan & it was fabulous. I was thinking
about planning to go there for my birthday this year but decided I’d run a half
marathon instead.

How are we related?!?

I wrote back, asking her this in all seriousness, and posited the two following hypothetical to characterize the difference between us.

stephanie: "I was going to do something relaxing and slightly indulgent for myself but decided to do a decathalon instead, but not before I'd filled the freezer with homemade, nutrient-packed meals for my children that I made using organic, locally grown vegetables."

amy: "I was going to do something relaxing and slightly indulgent for myself, but I was too lazy to make the appointment, so I just picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry's at the bodega on the way home and ate the whole thing while watching 'Criminal Minds' re-runs on the couch with the cat."

To which she replied:

stephanie: "I was going to do something de-stressing for myself but decided I’d be so re-stressed immediately following that it was useless so I decided instead to do an event where random strangers would cheer for me and tell me I was doing a good job even if I collapsed on the ground and where I could pee w/o anyone watching and get a medal and have a beer after, but not before I'd filled the freezer with homemade, nutrient-packed meals that I made using organic, locally grown vegetables that my children wouldn’t touch so I said f*ck this and left them uuber-processed chicken nuggets and mac & cheese."

Maybe we are related.

Oh, f#ck

This is so where my life is headed...

Happy Stoners' Day

How fitting that I received this forward from a friend yesterday. I had planned to share this anyways, but the fact that today is 4/20 makes it that much better. [Warning: Prepare to feel like you're getting called to the principal's office.]

Dear 2nd floor Resident:


Last night at 6:00pm, one of your neighbors smelled marijuana smoke in the hallway and in their apartment home. They filed a complaint with us in the Community Office and a member of the leasing office also smelled the marijuana smoke. The smoke has interfered with your neighbor’s right and ability to enjoy their apartment home. In addition, smoking marijuana violates your Apartment Lease, because you are engaging in illegal activity and emitting a noxious odor into the building.



Therefore, the purpose of this notice is to insist that whoever the offender is on this floor must immediately stop smoking marijuana.



We also want to provide some helpful information and tips to the offender, because unfortunately, we have encountered this situation before, and previous offenders have not understood what “stop smoking marijuana” means. Here are some common misconceptions with clarifications:



1. “Stop smoking marijuana” does not mean that you should continue to smoke but open up a window to be considerate of your neighbors. Because of negative pressure in the building, opening your window actually sucks air into the building and pushes the smoke under your door and further into the hall and into your neighbors’ apartments. It does not work, so please do not try it.


2. “Stop smoking marijuana” does not mean that you should start burning incense while your smoke to cover up the smell of the marijuana. Contrary to the belief of many smokers, incense does not cover up the smell of the marijuana nor do your neighbors enjoy the smell of incense in their hall or infiltrating their apartment any more than marijuana smoke.


3. “Stop smoking marijuana” does not mean that you should push a towel under your door to stop air transfer into the hall. Unfortunately, your apartment is not air tight except for the front door. Air transfers throughout the building through building ventilation, electrical outlets and cable outlets, which are typically back to back through the walls between adjoining apartments.


4. “Stop smoking marijuana” does not mean that you should stand in your tub and smoke into the vent in your bathroom. Not only do you transfer the smoke into apartments above you, ash also enters the vent and can fly out of the vents of your neighbors’ bathroom vents.

Simply put, “stop smoking marijuana” means exactly that you should stop smoking marijuana altogether in your apartment home.



Thank you for your attention to this matter. We apologize for the blunt nature of this notice. For the offender, we hope that you will heed the instructions in this notice as a sign of deference to your neighbors and your Apartment Lease. For those of you who are not responsible or effected by the smoke, we apologize for having to send this notice to you.



Please let us know if you have any questions, comments or concerns regarding the information in this notice.



Sincerely,

Building Management

My friend swears she has an air-tight alibi.

Procraftination: Sewing

2010 was the year of the craft for me. It was also another year in which I did not finish my dissertation. What have I've been up to? Procraftinating.

Procraftination (n). The act of crafting as a form of procrastination.

Embroidery was my first foray into crafting, but over the summer I took sewing classes with my friend Brooke. My first solo project was Jane's apron. Then I made an apron with some fabric I'd found and loved but didn't know what to do with:

This apron had so many things I love: pleats, a pocket, and polka dots. There's also a towel loop that you can see in the closeup; it's all in the details.

Based on the recommendation of one of the women at City Quilter (conveniently located 2 blocks from my office), I purchased One-Yard Wonders. This might be one of my favorite uses of a yard of fabric, ever - a pinafore dress for my friend's daughter, Marissa.

It was a little big on her, but she modeled it fabulously. This dress has an open back and ties together with a ribbon at the waist. I brought it into work to show friends. When I said I needed to go buy leggings and a shirt to go underneath, the office drag queen asked in all seriousness, "Can't she just shave her legs and wear heels?"

Apartment therapy

The apartment I live in is amazing, but it's a little rough around the edges. It's a tradeoff - we pay below market rate for great space but have holes in the floor, no door knobs on most interior doors, and the back of the apartment is a good 2" lower than the front. Win some, lose some.

Historically our landlord hasbeen what one might call a douche bag. His Englishis questionable, and so when he can't understand that the fridge is broken I find myself doing that horrible, vaguely racist thing you see people do to tourists and immigrants - saying the same thing over and over slower andlouder. "The fridge is broken. The. Fridge. Is. Bro. Ken. THE FRIDGE IS F&$%ING BROKEN." We usually work things out.

Last August our landlord handed over the building to a management company, and the woman in charge seemed to actually care about the problems in our apartmentthat were clearly basic housing code violations. [Cue angels singing] It took a little while, but after some persistent reminders we got:

• a fresh coat of paint in the living room
• a new floor in the hallway
• locking doorknobs on ALL interior doors
• the hole in the kitchen ceiling fixed
• a fresh coat of paint in the kitchen
• a half painted bathroom (I did the rest - c'mon people)

Here are some before and after photos:

We even got to pick the color for the kitchen. We used the print Beth gave me as inspiration, and even though the renovations were finished before Christmas, I just got around to hanging the frame today.

Sage advice to start each day with. Now what to bake next...

Grammy trained him well

Yesterday was my grandfather's 93rd birthday.

I called my Aunt Mary to talk to her and Grampy. He was a little out of it, but his present arrived while I was on the phone with Mary, and when he got back on the phone he sounded like him old self. It made me really happy.

Mary told me she had written "Happy Birthday, Bob" in lipstick on one half of the mirror in his bathroom. He hadn't noticed, so she said she would bring him back in there later. We got off the phone so she could frost his birthday cake.

10 minutes later she called me back.

Grampy had shut the bathroom door, but she likes to keep it open, so she went in and was like, "What is all this crap all over the counter?"

Grampy had taken his tube of toothpaste and written "Thanks" on the counter next to the sink.