The Adventures of Auntie Amy

Day 1.

04.00 hrs. Awake to Z coughing like the Marlboro Man. Wonder how much I have to worry about his actual oxygen intake. Consider getting up and asking internet if 18 mo. is outside the range for SIDS. Go back to sleep.

07.00 waken by Z screaming. Look at clock, realize it's 7:00 AM, fly out of bed with the speed of Tigger on meth. Enter nursery to find K sitting in chair and "reading" to Z "so he won't be sad."

07.01 Heart melts.

07.02 Reach in crib to get baby. Recoil in horror at sight of neurofibromatosis legion underneath his nose. Realize it's just boogers. Throw up a little bit in my mouth.

07.03 Get warm face cloth to wipe Z's face. Neighbors call DYFS to report water boarding of children.

07.15 Heard tots into car. Ask K where the button is mommy presses to open the garage door.

07.25 Drop kids at daycare. Z looks like Grumpy out of the 7 dwarfs, toddles over to daycare worker, sticks up arms with the look of "someone fucking pick me up."

07.30 - 17.00 Play suburban housewife. Stock up on paper goods at suburban Target, a.k.a. "happy place."

17.05 - 17.40 Pick up munchkins. Get their bags and them out of daycare, into car, home, car into garage and kids upstairs for dinner without physically or (severely) emotionally scaring anyone involved.

18.30-19.15 Diaper changes. Feety pjs. Robot books. Twinkle twinkle little star. Note to self: Brush up on later verses of "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

22.00 Collapse into lifeless pile of sweatpants. Attempt to cry self to sleep but cannot excrete tears. Remind self to hydrate tomorrow.