Pretty potty please

Dear Parents,

Let me start out by saying that I am not here to judge. I enter your families for brief intervals, and you warmly open the doors to your homes, sharing your little angels, your Goldfish snack crackers and unending supplies of peanut butter, and your cable pay channels. I am exhausted after 3-hr stints, and, not having children of my own, I marvel at your ability to do this full time. Then I go home and double-check that I've taken my birth control pills.

That said, I'd like to have a word on the delicate issue of potty-training. As a helping hand I try to respect all parents' methods and philosophies of child-rearing, and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from your ways and patch together my own parenting pedagogy that I might draw from when that time comes that my own little grown-up zygotes are running around. When it comes to matters of the excretory system I am not squeamish. I have faced the nastiest of diapers. I have peeled off urine soaked onesies when your children tested and exceeded the capacities of their Pampers. I have worked diligently with baby wipe after baby wipe to remove every bit of crap - literally - from your darlings' precious little cheeks, simultaneously marveling at the adhesive properties of poo and wishing you wouldn't load up their delicate little digestive systems with corn or sesame seeds or other such roughage in the meals preceding my visit.

I cannot begin to understand the practical, daily challenges of potty-training - the constant wardrobe changes, the emotional distress of soiled princess panties, the sheer cost of pull-ups. Again, I'm happy to take part. I have had detailed conversations over poopoo and peepee going in the potty. I have had a 3-year-old look me dead in the eye and declare, "I have poopies inside of me, and they need to come out, but not right now," and with great conviction looked back at her to say, "O.K. You just let me know when." I have encouraged and consoled, congratulated and negotiated - 1 M&M if you just sit and try, 2 gummy bears when you go poopie in the potty - and I have done it with the greatest of sincerity and care.

In return, all I ask is this: Please do not start the full-time, gun-ho, no-more-diapers-in-the-house potty-training on a day I'm coming over.

Thank you kindly for your consideration in this manner, and Godspeed with the potty training.

Respectfully,

The Babysitter

Pick on someone your own size

When you're battling with someone who's only 24" tall, and you're losing, it's a real blow to the ego. A cranky 2-year-old is a fierce opponent.

Idol questions?

I should clearly be the official reporter in charge of American Idol coverage. I ask all the tough questions:

Who first decided Ryan Seacrest was talented?

What is up with Randy's affinity for Mr. Rogers' style sweaters?

When is Ramiele Malubay going home?

Where does Simon get his hair done?

Why was Paula wearing leather chaps on her arms Tuesday night?

-AND-

How can I get tickets to the finale?

Yup, nothing but hard nose journalism over here.

Wiping out wedgies

I remember my first thong. It was actually given to me as a gag gift. It was a black, cotton high waister from Vicky's. I think I still have it. I did the thong thing for a while, and still do when the outfit requires, but I just never really got on board. There's the fact that my love handles have a little more to grab onto than they used to, and when the string cuts into my flab or - worse yet - gets lost in the pudge I just don't feel very good about myself. Then there's just having my cheeks hanging out - baby got some junk in her trunk and I just feel better when everything's being held in. Still lately I've had something of a muffin-top phenomenon - my ass has expanded to such gargantuan proportions that the cheeks spill out the bottom, creating a dreaded double-butt - it's VPL (visible panty lines) at its worst.

So I might have to give these little bloomers a try. [Thanks to astute reader & suburban fashionista Mrs. Bananahammock for pointing them out.] I've seen the commercials, and to be honest the fact that Sarah Chalke is hawking them might be enough to get me to purchase a pack. Has anyone tried them?

Speaking of Sarah Chalke (a.k.a. Elliot from Scrubs) did anyone else catch her dating Ted Mosby on a new episode of How I Met Your Mother last night? So excited! And a good guest appearance by Miss Britney to boot! Maybe I should send her a pack of those panties - I hear her dad now does underwear checks before she leaves the house.

Happy Easter Monday!

It's my favorite day of the year. Why? Because Jesus ascended into Heaven and open the gates so that we could have eternal life and love? Um, if that's your thing, sure. More importantly, Easter candy goes on sale! Half-priced Brach jelly beans, 3/$1 Cadbury cream eggs - it's a fat girl holiday if ever there were one!

Skipping a generation

In the past 4 days I have:

(1) thrown my car key into a public garbage can while I had a 14-month-old kiddie in my car

(2) spilled an entire chai latte on my lap and broken a mug (in public)

(3) tried to open my front door with a tube of lip gloss rather than my house key

I've always been afraid of turning into my mother, but apparently I've turned into my grandmother. If I spontaneously begin reciting "Hail Mary" in Polish while doing the dishes I'm going to be worried.

3rd party

I had 2 guests for dinner, and then quite rudely another guest showed up unexpected.

He was a happy hour raccoon. He showed up at dusk, did some tricks (quite domesticated actually and probably would have come in the door if we let it) posed for pictures and then bid us adieu. His loss; the couscous salad was lovely.

Vocab lessons

When I started TAing I decided I needed to commit to learning new words, including but not limited to the jargon of my discipline and academia more generally. My standard for "knowing" a word is being able to define it to an undergrad. I even went so far as to print out the words and there definitions in large font and put them up on the wall of my office. I got some good ones out of that practice, like "caveat" and "lacuna," but there was also a particularly embarrassing incident during office hours involving "onanism" being right at eye-level (I was taking a class on Foucault at the time).

Apparently I need to start up my vocab lessons again, because in the past week I seem to have come across an awful lot of words I've had to look up. For example:

• verisimilitude = likelihood; probability
• miasma = a dangerous, foreboding, or deathlike influence or atmosphere
• polity = a particular form or system of government (yeah, I had a general idea on this one but I couldn't have defined it to someone else so I didn't really know it)

I like words, and it drives me nuts when people use them incorrectly. I may have mentioned before that an ex used to always confuse "constitute" with "condone" and it made me seethe with rage. It's only fair that I hold myself to the same standards. I know no one is going to quiz me on them, but still feel like I should make flashcards or something. In my geek utopia maybe I'd have a vocab board on the wall that worked like the Wheel-of-Fortune set (minus Vanna), so when I touched the block a word was on the definition would appear.

Idol Chatter 3

I'm watching Idol's Top 12 and Carly just performed so I'm momentarily speechless, so I'll briefly make the comments I never got around to last week:

• WTF w/ the high-waisted pants (yes, Steph, I was thinking the same thing). They're awful. And poor Syesha. If the fab ladies over at fug central have taught us anything it's that satin is no one's friend. And dresses over pants are bad, although I think there are more exceptions to that rule, but I digress...
• Last week I was just so excited that Randy wasn't wearing a frickin' Mr. Rogers cardigan. Paula's hair looks good up, and I don't know if she actually deep conditioned or if she just cut out the ratty extensions but either way huge improvement in her locks.
• If I went to church and didn't drink or smoke or swear like Brooke would I be able to sing Pat Benatar like her?

Okay, now back to what I'm watching right now. Fast thoughts:

• Syesha is f$%&ing gorgeous - even with several years of drastic and painful surgery I still wouldn't have a prayer of having legs like that.
• Chikezie - rocks! And I loved his mamma praising Jesus for keeping him on the show last week.
• Ramiele - snooze, and how close could she really be to Danny Noriega? I liked it better last week when she had her bangs parted in the other direction.
• Carly - she's unbelievable. I think I will download all her performances on iTunes immediately. I would like to have a beer with her and trash our ex-boyfriends. She looks fantastic in that royal blue, which is also one of my favorite colors. We should clearly be best friends.
• Jason - still having a problem with his dreads - can't get past them
• David Cooke - I'm liking him more and more, and would even go so far as to say I was entertained tonight. Still, I'm skeptical of him for the simple fact that he has the face of a fat frat boy, but the rest of his body seems normal. Strange, no?
• Brooke - against a deep mistrust of good people I really, really like her. And what do they put in her hair? It's luscious.
• David Hernandez - in the rumor mills this week it came out that DH used to bar tend and strip at a gay bar, and now when I look at him I can only see the go-go boys in "boxing" costumes that were at the bar I ended up at on my 24th birthday. I believe it was called XXL.
• Amanda - Why do the stylists always dress her like a chubby circus carnie? I think she's talented, but I kind of want her off the show for her own sake - she just does not look like she's enjoying it. At all.
• Michael Johns - I have a deep and irrational distrust of people with 2 first names but this kid could melt the panties of a butch nun. Rufus Wainwright sings an amazing "Across the Universe" on the I Am Sam soundtrack, and this didn't quite measure up, but I still think he's one of the best.
• Kristy Lee - I like the country twang she brings to songs, but this was like country on meth amphetamines. I needed a Tylenol.
• David Archuleta - Let me state for the record that I unequivocaly hate Nehru jackets. God, I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Predictions for tomorrow? Ramiele's going home.

Cushy Feet

Today, when I was breaking in my new shoes - and by breaking them in I mean they were grating the skin off my feet - a thought occurred to me. You know those foot petals and other products of the Dr. Scholl's variety they sell to comfy-up shoes? Why don't they just make the inside of shoes out of those materials? It seems so obvious.

65 years and still smiling

March 8, 1943

March 8, 2008

May we all be so lucky!

These R2 cute!

How cute are these?
I've never heard of the brand before, but these little cutie pies came into my life for only $30! Sweet.

Wicked Pissah

True to my roots:

Your Slanguage Profile

New England Slang: 75% British Slang: 50% Canadian Slang: 50% Aussie Slang: 25% Prison Slang: 25% Southern Slang: 25%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

Green is just my style

If I could afford to spend $359 on a compost bin, I would totally get this one:

It would match the piggy toe-separators I have to, well, separate my piggies when I paint my toe-nails. They have a pig face at one end with googly eyes.

Happy Birthday, Grampy!

I called my grandparents today to wish my grandfather a happy 90th birthday. Grammy answered the phone, and a mildly amusing conversation ensued (my grandparents are getting a little more forgetful in their old age, so I think phone conversations are quite amusing for them):

Grammy [hoarse voice]: Hello?
Me: Grampy?
Grammy [clears throat]: No, it's Grammy.
Me: Hi Grammy, it's Amy.
Grammy: Amy, hi! Where are you calling me from?
Me: From my home in California.
Grammy: Oh, wow, you're calling me all the way from
California?
Me: Yes, the telephone is a magnificent invention.
Grammy: Oh, we just got back from doing some shopping. I can't always get what I want you know. I wanted to buy a face cloth but had to buy a dish towel. I'm going to launder everything though, Amy.
Me: I just wanted to call and wish Grampy a happy
birthday.
Grammy: Oh, he'll be delighted. Let me get him. We just got back from shopping so I'm unpacking things and he's trying to catch up on the day's paper. [to my grandfather] Bob! It's Amy LeClair.
Grampy: Hello, Amy LeClair.

The conversation got a little less formal after that. Grampy isn't too happy about having a birthday but added that life was pretty good and he couldn't go throw himself off a bridge, could he (no, thankfully).

He's not the young whippersnapper he was in this picture (taken at Pearl Harbor in 1940 - thanks Mary):

But he's still a pretty good looking guy, and he's a great grampy (and great great-grandfather to Kayley!)

Rotten Tomatoes

I awoke this morning to find my tomato plants had been mauled by some savage animal. Or perhaps it was just Smoky, the cat I've pseudo-adopted. She came to the back door crying one day, and I may have given her a can of tuna because I'm a softie and desperately want a furry pet but can't have one because Paul's allergic. I admit this may have not been the best idea as she comes back every day and cries outside the door. Sometimes I play with her for a bit, sometimes I don't. The tomato attack may have been retribution for the recent lack of attention, or I may be psychoanalyzing the cat way too much.

Cleaning up the tomato mess made me remember watching "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" with my sister at our Aunt Donna's house when we were younger. I view this as a defining moment in my life where I learned to love bad movies. Shockingly the IMDB page for the movie does not have a plot synopsis, but if you've never seen it youtube some clips (don't rent it, that would be going overboard). It's brilliant - you can see the platforms with wheels under the giant tomatoes moving them down the street.

Other great terrible movies:

• Once Bitten


• Earth Girls are Easy


• The Avengers (I'd recommend moderate to heavy amounts of alcohol or drugs for enhanced viewing pleasure)


• Death Becomes Her


• Overboard (and probably anything with Goldie Hawn)


• Troop Beverly Hills


• Howard the Duck


• Adventures in Babysitting (and probably anything with Elisabeth Shue)


• Teen Witch


• Encino Man

What's your favorite bad movie?

Sunday spectacular

Yesterday didn't start out too well when I realized I'd been the victim of a crime spree terrorizing my cul-de-sac. Okay, perhaps that's a slight exaggeration, but someone did break into my car and steal my GPS. And when I say "broke into" my car, I mean they opened the door and removed it from the glove compartment, as it was obviously the one time I hadn't locked my car. We did have a very positive interaction with the San Diego County police department; apparently some other cars had been broken into and they might even have a description of the perpetrator. The detective assigned to the case will call if there are any updates; I'm not holding my breath.



We managed to turn the day around, however. We took a lovely ride through scenic and obnoxiously wealthy Rancho Bernardo and, after managing to stay awake (honestly the downtown has multiple purveyors of antiques and "estate jewelry", a bank, and real estate offices - it's a physical challenge not to slip into a coma while driving through), made our way to Escondido, where they seem to be keeping all the brown people. (To say where we live is racially segregated is an understatement. I was speaking with a friend who moved here from England several years ago, and she said when she first got here there was something funny that she couldn't quite put her finger on. Then she realized she hadn't seen a Black person in 3 weeks - she reckons it was 3 months before she saw one. With the zoo there are probably more pandas than African-Americans in San Diego).



At Kit Carson Park we watched a toddler cycle her big wheel into a tiny stream and added a notch to our "going to hell" belt for enjoying it far too much. More importantly, we finally got to see Queen Califia's Magic Circle:

This was the last piece Niki de Saint Phalle, one of my favorite artists, did before she died. These giant sculptures are all colored by hand laid mosaic. The details are amazing, and you can see more pictures of the structures here. I'd like to get to her Tarot Garden in Tuscany some day, but right now I think I'm lucky to have this so close by. And I managed to get there without my GPS - take that, vandals!

Literary vocabulary

Last night on Idol something truly amazing happened. Paul Abdul used the word "juxtaposed" in a sentence, and she used it correctly! I remember my struggle in English Sr. year with getting my head around the concept of "juxtaposition" and being able to use it correctly in a sentence. I was damn proud when I finally got it, and you can bet your ass I slapped that puppy into my AP exam essays.


So, in a tribute to Paula Abdul and Mrs. Beagan, my 12th grade English teacher, let's get literate. Today's words are "juxtaposition" and "ironic." We'll illustrate their meanings with a picture*:





Amy finds the juxtaposition of the Self-Realization Center and the billboard for the gun show quite ironic. It makes her smile every time she goes north on the 101.


That's it for today!


*I'm so disappointed with this picture. The bright orange billboard largely obscured by the tree is the gun show advertisement. I wanted to get a better picture but kept forgetting my camera when I was in that area, and today I saw that they finally changed the billboard.

Got sole?

One of my favorite shoe sites, solestruck, is giving you 5% off for every pair of old shoes you send in for up to 3 pairs - what a great way to recycle and save!

They have a donation form for you to print out; you don't even have to pay for shipping! Get all the details here.

Idol Chatter: 2

I didn't fall asleep during Idol last night - huge improvement! I still think the girls are far more talented than the guys, but we'll see if they can live up to the hype tonight. I highly recommend watching Idol on DVR if you can. Then you can fast forward through all the hot air that comes out of Ryan's mouth - it's so much more enjoyable and cuts the viewing time in half.

And I dare say I think they've got Paula's meds in balance. She was surprisingly lucid last night. Sure, she told David Archuleta she wanted to 'squeeze his head, pop it off, and hang it from her rear-view mirror,' but she meant it in an endearing way.