Fashion Fright

I don’t know how I’ve stayed silent on this issue for so long – I think I’ve blocked it out. The time has come, however, to address a serious issue – the monokini. I recall having one of these in my pre-teen years, but I was a) pre-teen, aka no body yet and b) the cut outs were much, much smaller – like tennis ball size.

I have a problem with bathing suits no matter what. Racing suits have always plagued me – they squish the beejesus out of my already little bosoms, accentuate the “fullness” of my stomach, hips and bum, and leave awful tan lines. My main problem areas are thutt (where the thighs meet the butt) and my love handles. My only hope for the thutt would be a granny skirt, but at that is really not an option. At 27 there is no excuse for a swimsuit tutu. I do have a shred of dignity left, and I am clinging to it for dear life.

So what are my options? Wetsuit? Slightly drastic, and I worry I’d be mistaken for a seal and hunted for my pelt. One pieces seem like the logical alternative because at least they cover my stomach and hips, but I have a short torso and one pieces can flatten out the little ones, which are some of my few assets. When my belly button is below a 2-knuckle depth on my index finger I use this as a green light for the bikini. Triangle tops make my mammaries look sad and saggy, so I generally opt for a wide-strap halter top and a medium rise bottom with full back coverage, emphasis on the full. Like this (although the model's mons pubis looks freakishly long - maybe it's the print). My clavicle is one of the few spots on my body not carrying a little extra weight, along with my ears and my gums, and I think this style accentuates it.

The monokini is the antithesis to my ideal bikini. This piece of clothing, if you want to call it that, falls squarely into the category of “Things Only Gweneth Paltrow/Sienna Miller/Giselle Bunchen Should Wear And Even Then I’m Still On The Fence,” along with cropped cigarette pants, high wasted pencil skirts, and shoes that tie up the leg. What fashion industry genius sat in a room and dreamed up this water weary monstrosity? There is nothing I fear greater than the image of me in one of these – already short torso made stumpier by the center strap AND side cutouts to allow my fat to spill out like the foam on an overflowing draft Guiness. Bleck. Dear god I want to give up carbs for 5-7 days just thinking about it. Pass the Alli.

A final, if somewhat tangential, note on swimwear. WTF with metal bits? Don’t get me wrong, I love shiny like a magpie, but am I the only one that thinks this isn’t the best accoutrement to put on an item meant to be worn in the sun? Wouldn’t this burn into your flesh?

Why does this remind me of a children's game timer?

My fear is that this skanktastic swimwear is going to end up on sale racks – and with good reason! – and be scooped up by the fashion un-savvy. I beg you all to spread the anti-monokini message.