Why I love her

Me: Why, why, why is it that, at 31, I still find myself writing a shit paper at the last minute & thinking "this might have been good if I started 2 weeks ago"?!?!

Friend: Because everything you write is good, you just don't believe it - evidence is a highly successful academic career thus far

Me: I appreciate your confidence but empirical evidence - namely 9 yrs in grad school & 0 publications - indicates otherwise

Friend: Fuck publications

Friend: Academic publishing isn't ready for you yet

Sister, Sister

My sister and I usually e-mail back and forth during the week. We always ask each other's weekend plans. I told her I was going to Foxwoods to see So You Think You Can Dance Live with two girlfriends, and on Sunday we were getting massages at the spa.

She replied:

I had a massage last yr at Mohegan & it was fabulous. I was thinking
about planning to go there for my birthday this year but decided I’d run a half
marathon instead.

How are we related?!?

I wrote back, asking her this in all seriousness, and posited the two following hypothetical to characterize the difference between us.

stephanie: "I was going to do something relaxing and slightly indulgent for myself but decided to do a decathalon instead, but not before I'd filled the freezer with homemade, nutrient-packed meals for my children that I made using organic, locally grown vegetables."

amy: "I was going to do something relaxing and slightly indulgent for myself, but I was too lazy to make the appointment, so I just picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry's at the bodega on the way home and ate the whole thing while watching 'Criminal Minds' re-runs on the couch with the cat."

To which she replied:

stephanie: "I was going to do something de-stressing for myself but decided I’d be so re-stressed immediately following that it was useless so I decided instead to do an event where random strangers would cheer for me and tell me I was doing a good job even if I collapsed on the ground and where I could pee w/o anyone watching and get a medal and have a beer after, but not before I'd filled the freezer with homemade, nutrient-packed meals that I made using organic, locally grown vegetables that my children wouldn’t touch so I said f*ck this and left them uuber-processed chicken nuggets and mac & cheese."

Maybe we are related.

Oh, f#ck

This is so where my life is headed...

Happy Stoners' Day

How fitting that I received this forward from a friend yesterday. I had planned to share this anyways, but the fact that today is 4/20 makes it that much better. [Warning: Prepare to feel like you're getting called to the principal's office.]

Dear 2nd floor Resident:


Last night at 6:00pm, one of your neighbors smelled marijuana smoke in the hallway and in their apartment home. They filed a complaint with us in the Community Office and a member of the leasing office also smelled the marijuana smoke. The smoke has interfered with your neighbor’s right and ability to enjoy their apartment home. In addition, smoking marijuana violates your Apartment Lease, because you are engaging in illegal activity and emitting a noxious odor into the building.



Therefore, the purpose of this notice is to insist that whoever the offender is on this floor must immediately stop smoking marijuana.



We also want to provide some helpful information and tips to the offender, because unfortunately, we have encountered this situation before, and previous offenders have not understood what “stop smoking marijuana” means. Here are some common misconceptions with clarifications:



1. “Stop smoking marijuana” does not mean that you should continue to smoke but open up a window to be considerate of your neighbors. Because of negative pressure in the building, opening your window actually sucks air into the building and pushes the smoke under your door and further into the hall and into your neighbors’ apartments. It does not work, so please do not try it.


2. “Stop smoking marijuana” does not mean that you should start burning incense while your smoke to cover up the smell of the marijuana. Contrary to the belief of many smokers, incense does not cover up the smell of the marijuana nor do your neighbors enjoy the smell of incense in their hall or infiltrating their apartment any more than marijuana smoke.


3. “Stop smoking marijuana” does not mean that you should push a towel under your door to stop air transfer into the hall. Unfortunately, your apartment is not air tight except for the front door. Air transfers throughout the building through building ventilation, electrical outlets and cable outlets, which are typically back to back through the walls between adjoining apartments.


4. “Stop smoking marijuana” does not mean that you should stand in your tub and smoke into the vent in your bathroom. Not only do you transfer the smoke into apartments above you, ash also enters the vent and can fly out of the vents of your neighbors’ bathroom vents.

Simply put, “stop smoking marijuana” means exactly that you should stop smoking marijuana altogether in your apartment home.



Thank you for your attention to this matter. We apologize for the blunt nature of this notice. For the offender, we hope that you will heed the instructions in this notice as a sign of deference to your neighbors and your Apartment Lease. For those of you who are not responsible or effected by the smoke, we apologize for having to send this notice to you.



Please let us know if you have any questions, comments or concerns regarding the information in this notice.



Sincerely,

Building Management

My friend swears she has an air-tight alibi.

Procraftination: Sewing

2010 was the year of the craft for me. It was also another year in which I did not finish my dissertation. What have I've been up to? Procraftinating.

Procraftination (n). The act of crafting as a form of procrastination.

Embroidery was my first foray into crafting, but over the summer I took sewing classes with my friend Brooke. My first solo project was Jane's apron. Then I made an apron with some fabric I'd found and loved but didn't know what to do with:

This apron had so many things I love: pleats, a pocket, and polka dots. There's also a towel loop that you can see in the closeup; it's all in the details.

Based on the recommendation of one of the women at City Quilter (conveniently located 2 blocks from my office), I purchased One-Yard Wonders. This might be one of my favorite uses of a yard of fabric, ever - a pinafore dress for my friend's daughter, Marissa.

It was a little big on her, but she modeled it fabulously. This dress has an open back and ties together with a ribbon at the waist. I brought it into work to show friends. When I said I needed to go buy leggings and a shirt to go underneath, the office drag queen asked in all seriousness, "Can't she just shave her legs and wear heels?"

Apartment therapy

The apartment I live in is amazing, but it's a little rough around the edges. It's a tradeoff - we pay below market rate for great space but have holes in the floor, no door knobs on most interior doors, and the back of the apartment is a good 2" lower than the front. Win some, lose some.

Historically our landlord hasbeen what one might call a douche bag. His Englishis questionable, and so when he can't understand that the fridge is broken I find myself doing that horrible, vaguely racist thing you see people do to tourists and immigrants - saying the same thing over and over slower andlouder. "The fridge is broken. The. Fridge. Is. Bro. Ken. THE FRIDGE IS F&$%ING BROKEN." We usually work things out.

Last August our landlord handed over the building to a management company, and the woman in charge seemed to actually care about the problems in our apartmentthat were clearly basic housing code violations. [Cue angels singing] It took a little while, but after some persistent reminders we got:

• a fresh coat of paint in the living room
• a new floor in the hallway
• locking doorknobs on ALL interior doors
• the hole in the kitchen ceiling fixed
• a fresh coat of paint in the kitchen
• a half painted bathroom (I did the rest - c'mon people)

Here are some before and after photos:

We even got to pick the color for the kitchen. We used the print Beth gave me as inspiration, and even though the renovations were finished before Christmas, I just got around to hanging the frame today.

Sage advice to start each day with. Now what to bake next...

Grammy trained him well

Yesterday was my grandfather's 93rd birthday.

I called my Aunt Mary to talk to her and Grampy. He was a little out of it, but his present arrived while I was on the phone with Mary, and when he got back on the phone he sounded like him old self. It made me really happy.

Mary told me she had written "Happy Birthday, Bob" in lipstick on one half of the mirror in his bathroom. He hadn't noticed, so she said she would bring him back in there later. We got off the phone so she could frost his birthday cake.

10 minutes later she called me back.

Grampy had shut the bathroom door, but she likes to keep it open, so she went in and was like, "What is all this crap all over the counter?"

Grampy had taken his tube of toothpaste and written "Thanks" on the counter next to the sink.

End of life care

Last summer we moved my grandfather out to CA to live with my Aunt Mary. He's generally in good physical health, but he has Alzheimer's and requires 24 hr care. Needless to say, he keeps Mary business. Every now and then, however, when she has a free minute, she'll send us an update.

The other day she told us about their trip out to dinner. Normally they eat at home, but Grampy was insisting on eating out. It was such a sweet and humorous e-mail, so I sent Mary a quick note back telling her I loved her and that I would take good care of her when she's old and senile.

This was her response:

I love you too.......and just to make it easier, I've started making notes for you:


Food likes and dislikes, I'm a very plain eater and don't mind having the same thing several times a week, but Do Not try to sneak vegetables in my food - I'll know if you do and will spit it out.


Always, always have chocolate on hand, preferably dark.


My feet get cold easily and I like to wear socks.


Please respect all the things I've acquired, although I probably won't give a hoot, don't throw anything that you don't want into a dumpster - someone, somewhere will want it or could use it.


I will want a pet (cat or small lap dog)


I will want a daily drink (you can decide the appropriate time depending on my mood). And if I'm being a real pain or totally stressing you out, feel free to give me more until I settle down.


If I'm still smoking and I probably will be, please don't decide that it's time for me to quit and take away my cigarettes -- I promise not to burn down the house.


I love to watch True Crime reporting on TV and this will keep me occupied for hours. None of that CSI fictional stuff, I'll know if I'm being duped.


As I think of them, I'll add to list.............

Can you tell we're related?

work hard, play hard - and organized

I got this e-mail today:

New Yorkers—

One of the many wonderful things about this metropolis is the abundance of bars in every neighborhood. This is an alcoholic’s paradise (or nightmare, I suppose).

But like many things, Ruthie and I have come to the point of view (or at least I have – R dwells in complexity a bit more than me…) that the overwhelming array of acceptable choices of watering holes can be stress-inducing. As such, we want to figure out a go-to bar in every neighborhood for a variety of occasions (1-on-1 conversations, dates, group conversations, parties, game watches).

These don’t need to be the perfect answer – reasonable people of good will can disagree on these vital matters. But we are sick and tired of having to come up with answers to questions like “I am meeting someone for a drink in Union Square – where should we go?”. We need a go-to answer off the shelf.

But, alas, we are not sufficiently knowledged to come up with a good list on our own – this is where you come in.

Attached is a skeleton spreadsheet of neighborhoods and bar categories – please send us your suggestions/recommendations. And, yes, the same bar can fill multiple boxes. (But it’s hard to imagine one bar checking the box in multiple neighborhoods unless it’s a very large bar.) Write-in candidates for additional neighborhoods or categories are more than welcome, of course.

Once we have a workable answer for most of the categories we will recirculate a consolidated version of the spreadsheet and a shared Google map. Whether you then use it to line your birdcage or totally reorient your social life is up to you. But at least you know where me and Ruthie will be.

Cheers.

T and R

This is why I'm friends with these people.

must. have.

I was checking out Tim Out New York's Holiday Gift Guide, jewelry at every price, when this caught my eye (and my breath):

It's part of "The City that Never Sleeps" collection on sale at the New York Historical Society store. It's stunning, just like this city.

Things to be thankful for

Since I got through the hardest part and told my parents, it seemed like a good time to share it here as well.

Hi Mom and Dad,

I’m sorry for dropping big news on you last night with so little time before the holiday. I wasn’t as articulate as I would like to have been, but I really didn’t know how to tell you. I’d like to explain a little more.

M and I have been dating for a few months. I had considered asking her to Thanksgiving before but had decided I wasn’t ready to introduce someone to my family yet. Her plans fell through at the last minute, however, and I really didn’t want her to spend Thanksgiving alone (she’s from CA and that’s where all her family is), hence the last minute addition and announcement – I apologize for not giving you more time to process.

In terms of me dating a woman, the fact that she’s a woman isn’t really a big deal to me. It’s a big deal to me to be dating someone for several months (last time I was this far into a relationship I was 22). Dating a woman is something new to me, too, and there have been some adjustments, but I’m glad that I was open to the possibility of dating a woman, because M is a wonderful, kind, caring, funny, smart person, and I’m lucky to have her in my life.

I don’t consider myself a lesbian or gay, although if I did I hope that you would be okay with that, too. I hesitated to bring home someone I had only been dating a few months, but she is very important to me and a big part of my life right now. I don’t know that M is “the one.” I may not ever find “the one,” however, and so I hope that you can support me no matter whom I date. I want to and hope to get married and have kids, but that’s not something I can totally control. The most important thing to me in dating someone is not whether they are a man or a woman, but finding a person that shares the same values as me, respects me, and makes me want to be the best person I can be. M is all of those things.

I know this is going to be an adjustment for you both and want you to feel free to ask me questions. I also want to say that while I was nervous telling you, I also knew that no matter what you’d love me. I had no fear of anger or hatred, and considering the world we live in and the types of things I see every day, I am exceedingly thankful for that. I do not take for granted how lucky I am to have two loving parents (and a loving family and loving friends) who support me in every aspect of my life. I am able to be the person I am – in my personal and professional life – because of that love and support.

I love you both very much,
A

To keep the "feel good" vibe, take a moment to rock out to this:

The Adventures of Auntie Amy

Day 1.

04.00 hrs. Awake to Z coughing like the Marlboro Man. Wonder how much I have to worry about his actual oxygen intake. Consider getting up and asking internet if 18 mo. is outside the range for SIDS. Go back to sleep.

07.00 waken by Z screaming. Look at clock, realize it's 7:00 AM, fly out of bed with the speed of Tigger on meth. Enter nursery to find K sitting in chair and "reading" to Z "so he won't be sad."

07.01 Heart melts.

07.02 Reach in crib to get baby. Recoil in horror at sight of neurofibromatosis legion underneath his nose. Realize it's just boogers. Throw up a little bit in my mouth.

07.03 Get warm face cloth to wipe Z's face. Neighbors call DYFS to report water boarding of children.

07.15 Heard tots into car. Ask K where the button is mommy presses to open the garage door.

07.25 Drop kids at daycare. Z looks like Grumpy out of the 7 dwarfs, toddles over to daycare worker, sticks up arms with the look of "someone fucking pick me up."

07.30 - 17.00 Play suburban housewife. Stock up on paper goods at suburban Target, a.k.a. "happy place."

17.05 - 17.40 Pick up munchkins. Get their bags and them out of daycare, into car, home, car into garage and kids upstairs for dinner without physically or (severely) emotionally scaring anyone involved.

18.30-19.15 Diaper changes. Feety pjs. Robot books. Twinkle twinkle little star. Note to self: Brush up on later verses of "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

22.00 Collapse into lifeless pile of sweatpants. Attempt to cry self to sleep but cannot excrete tears. Remind self to hydrate tomorrow.

contributing to Brotherly Grub

A month or so ago, my CSA made an appearance on another blog, Brotherly Grub. Brian, little grubby brother, and I joined forces to make a delicious, seasonal meal. As an added bonus, I got to use this amazing cookbook for the first time:






Lisa gave it to me as part of my birthday gift, and it is a beautiful book with vignettes about America's farmers and their favorite recipes. We made the squash and sweet potato puree. Delicious.

Transitions in the Kitchen

[I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I blogged - ugh. So much to say, so little time. Most of it goes into ranting e-mails to my sister - maybe I'll just start posting those here. Anywhoodle, here's some of what I've been up to.]

The farm shares keep coming in every other week, and a clear sign that fall has arrived is the contents of my CSA. Tomatoes are getting fewer and fewer and apples are staging a coup of the fruit portion. Here's what I got a few weeks ago:

• 1 head of lettuce
• 1 bag of mesclun (I keep saying "mescaline" accidentally, but my vegetables do not come from that type of tripped out hippie farm)
• 1 bunch of arugula
• 1 bunch of braising greens
• 1 bunch of beets
• 1 bunch of turnips
• 1 handful of green beans
• 1 sprig of soy bean pods (aka edamame, they're in the bowl on the right but come on a woody stem)
• 1 bulb of garlic
• 5 big tomatoes
• 1/2 pint cherry tomatoes
• 5 apples
• 5 pears
• 10 plums
• 1 bunch of sage

When I get fruit, I immediately think "how can I turn this into a baked good?" Heaven forbid I just eat the fruit. I had never baked with plums before, so I found a recipe for a plum clafouti (try saying that 10 times fast!).

You butter and sugar a pie plate and then place the halved plums cut side down, top them with an eggy mixtures, and an hour later you get this:

It was very yummy and would probably work well is other tart fruits like cherries.

I also made a glazed pear coffee cake which I brought into the office. Fall is definitely my favorite baking season (mamma needs some pumpkin bread!) so I have to take precautionary measures to not end up looking like a grisly ready for hibernation.

things that make you.....

[a guest blog post from my sister, the office anthropologist]

... seem like a douche

1. wearing your sunglasses in the office all day on your head Unless you require prescription eyewear and you broke your regular galsses, there's no need for sunglasses to be worn on your head all day.

2. using the word "bro"excessively. I'm not exactly sure what an acceptable amount of "bro" usage is but "hey bro", "yo bro" and "bro, let's do this".... within a 10 min span is excessive.

more to follow when I aquire additional examples from my surroundings.....

guest blogging

Things have been slow over here, but a post I wrote for my sewing class is up over at SewMoni Love.



Here's the matching pillow case to go with the apron.

Hot. Trannie. Mess.

A few weeks ago I went to Splash with my coworker who spends his weekends as Devyln Disguise, the lovely lady in leopard. Last night, this photo surfaced on Facebook.

We're having a caption contest in the office. So far the winner is, "She's not a lady."

WTF Friday

I have my sister to thank for this one. Today, she sent me this e-mail:

I narrowed it down but I just couldn't decide...did you want these:

or these for your birthday?

i got you the first pair- they had better ratings =)

First of all, they're both marked down (shocking). Way to be cheap for my 30th, Steph. :)



Secondly, what the fuck is with this season's spat-sandals? I just don't get it. What have your ankles ever done to you? I mean, unless you're Lindsay Lohan and trying to cover an electronic monitering bracelet or something. Even if you had really bad cankles, I feel like this would only draw attention to the area you're trying to hide.



So I told Steph if she got me those for my birthday, she was getting these with her cat on them for hers. (You'll have to scroll about 1/2 way down the page, past the flags, for the "our favorite pet pictures" section.) You're welcome for the endless gift ideas I've just provided.

Vegetables!

This year I signed up for a CSA share. CSA, community supported agriculture, is somewhat like having a subscription to a farmers' market - you buy a share of the harvest from a local farm. I had wanted to participate in one for a while, but was concerned about the amount of produce I'd be getting when I'm usually just cooking for li'l ol me. Fortunately that's what half-shares are for - I pick up veggies every other week for half the price.



This year I decided to go for it and found a great CSA near me called Garden of Eve. Besides the social aspects of the CSA (e.g. supporting small agriculture by consuming local, seasonal produce), I was also intrigued by the Iron Chef aspect. You cook with what you get, and you're introduced to new produce. For instance, in my first share, I had garlic scapes and bok choi. Bok choi I've eaten but never cooked myself. Garlic scapes I had never heard of and approached them with some trepidation (e.g. what the fuck are these?). Thank god for the internet.



I cooked with rhubarb for the first time and made whole wheat yogurt rhubarb muffins - yum! Two weeks ago I encountered sweet salad radishes for the first time and made a really nice, fresh summer salad with cucumber, lettuce and dill. This week's bounty also brought new surprises:


The weekly share included:

• 1 head of lettuce
• 1 pint of blueberries
• 10 peaches
• 1 pint of cherries
• 1 weird looking root vegetable*
• 1/2 a head of cabbage
• 1 bunch of beets
• 6 ears of corn
• 1 bunch of dill
• 1 bunch of basil
• 1 bunch of Swiss chard
• 1 bunch of kale
• 3 zucchini
• 6 cucumbers (I took 4 regular and 2 white - another newbie!)

* So back to this thing. As soon as I saw it at the pick-up site, I thought, "oh, going to have to google that when I get home." Of course when I got home I couldn't remember what it was called. I thought it began with a "K". My roommate Jenny came home and into the kitchen; I asked her if she's ever seen one of these before.

She hadn't. She thought it might be a turnip, so I googled "turnip family", but the way the green shoots came out from various points rather than one localized shoot on the top ruled that out. I tried searching broadly for root vegetables. Then I thought it might be related to cabbage because of its texture. Bingo! Ladies and gentleman, if you've never seen on before, this is your and my first kohlrabi.

My friend Jane is coming over for brunch today, and we're going to cook using my new veggies. I did this 2 weeks ago with my friend Brooke. It's a perfect way for me to enjoy my CSA share with friends and challenge myself to cook interesting things. Brooke and I enjoyed a menu of:

• blueberry mojitos (with fresh mint from my fire escape garden)
• scrabbled eggs with zucchini, scallions and fresh basil
• salad with cucumbers, dill, white radish and a balsamic mustard vinaigrette
• chicken apple sausage
• homemade honey wheat bread with fresh goat cheese Brooke picked up from the farmer's market on her way over and bacon marmalade we scored at a craft fair a few months back (it was supposed to be a gift, but I have no regrets over eating this)
• fresh cherries

It was both delicious and beautiful. (Unfortunately the pictures from this feast were lost when my phone was stolen Friday - a wise reminder for me to back up phone photos and blog in a more timely manner.)

Last night I was chatting with Jane on Facebook to ask if she had ever heard of or cooked with kohlrabi (Jane is a great cook and frequently more adventurous than me - her pulled pork is to die for). Her response, "como se what?" Exactly. She then got to searching and found this recipe for a Kohlrabi & Apple slaw. I happen to have all the ingredients in my kitchen so am going to make it this morning.

I'm off to grate kholrabi and think of something to do with those peaches. Pie may be in order. Bon appetit!

sew lovely

A few weeks ago I signed up for a sewing class with my friend Brooke from work. My grandmother taught me and my sister how to hand sew little projects when we were younger, and I vaguely remember constructing a pillow in Home Ec, but I wanted to be able to do more. Plus it feels like a good compliment to my recently obtained embroidery skills. I hope to add knitting and quilting to the mix eventually, but one thing at a time

It's beginner level, so we started with the anatomy of the sewing machine. Because I'm a super-nerd, I made a grid for my practice fabric with the seam length in the columns and the tension in rows:

Shopping for supplies has been slightly overwhelming. Last week I made my first trip to Mood (of Project Runway fame) - OMG. I thought I was going to have a seizure. I just wanted cotton. Plain cotton. But as one employee informed me, there is no such thing as plain cotton. I learned that the most basic cotton is broadcloth, and I needed cotton canvas for the outside of the tote (it's a slightly heavier weight fabric). After almost having an aneurysm, I finally settled on some cute, fun, bright prints:

I missed class a week ago when we started our practice bags, so I also got a plain black cotton canvas for the exterior of my practice tote, and this fun print for the lining:

LOVE this. Can't wait to think of other things I can make with it.

Last night in class we assembled all the pieces of our practice tote. Ta da!

Here's a peak inside at the interior pocket and lining:

Note bad, eh? There are lots of little mistakes, but that's what practice is for. Tonight I assembled my real (bigger) bag for homework.

Voila! Again, little mistakes, but it's getting easier. I'm going to make one more with the pink and brown fabric. I'll post the step-by-step process when I do in case anyone is inspired to make their own tote.

Next week is the last class. We're making a matching cosmetic bag with a zipper before we graduate! The next class in the series is Beginner Clothing Construction. I'm already signed up!

And if all this weren't enough, we found out on Tuesday night that Moni, the woman who runs the sewing classes, used to work on What Not To Wear with Stacey and Clinton. I squealed like a 14-year-old with a Justin Bieber sighting. I'm hoping that if I hang around her long enough I might bump into Ms. London. A girl can dream....