Ladies and Gentleman, Hobos and Prostitutes, Hipsters and Investment Bankers, the time has come. Winter has officially arrived. That's right, in the span of 48 hrs we went from light-fall-jacket weather to down jacket-scarf-hat-gloves-shit-I-should-have-worn-thermals-I-think-my-hands-are-bleeding-but-I-can't-feel-them-so-I'm-not-certain weather. Bundle up.


The recent drop in temperature, however, does not excuse these heinous excuses for footwear. As if Uggs weren't bad enough (I could go on a coast-to-coast campaign to ban those frickin things), these are like Ugg's sick, animal torturing cousin from rural Maine.I hate these shoes with all that I am and all that I will ever be. It’s not that I’m against comfy-cozy footwear, quite the contrary. On a November trip to Bob’s with my sister I tried on a pair of faux-fur lined slip-on Skechers, and even though I would have been adding to my lesbian line of footwear, I probably would have bought them if this wasn’t my last winter for an undefined stretch of time. (No boots, coats, sweaters, scarves of other winter paraphernalia – that’s the new shopping rule. Although people do whip out the parkas once it drops below 50 in SoCal. Weaklings.)

I hesitate to even classify these as shoes. They are vermin. It's as if someone slaughtered a mongoose and fashioned the hide into winter footwear, hanging the castrated testes on the side as a warning to other members of the order Carnivora. Seriously, why the pompoms? They're like two little bacteria spheres dangling there, dredging up street mung for you to bring home, possibly infecting your other shoes! Are you happy now? Are you?! You are a bad shoe owner, and you deserve to be punished for these monstrosities. There, I've said it. Although if you own these muklucks you probably just purchased a pair of these for the warmer weather, which clearly indicates a general lack of compos mentis. If your favorite pair of patent leather mary janes grow mold, don't say I didn't warn you.