Tartan tantrum

Do you think Kate Spade had her identity stolen by a Scottish clown with a foot fetish?

Either that, or while at her in law's house for a family party she got very, very drunk, words were exchanged, someone may have critiqued her signature bag, "Oh for God's sake, Kate, just because you were the first to glue a tag on a box with straps and call it stylish does not make you the queen of all handbags!" which lead to her storming down to the basement-come-family room, where in a rage she cut up the couch and fashioned it into a pair of boots, murmuring to herself, "I'd like to see Jack add shoes to his collection."

Those are the only two possible explanations I can come up with.

Sunday night

Paul gets to watch the Premiereship Review Show and I browse for shoes online - quality time together to round out the weekend.

I am still stuck on flats - inflatuation? (lame, sorry, couldn't resist). I'm positively smitten with these:


The fact remains, however, that I'm barely 5'4" and wedges are a better friend, which is why I'm ordering these adorable little polka dot puppies that I've had my eye on for a while. Cute, fun and a good flip-flop alternative. Plus, one more thing to look forward to in the mail!

Don't be a big baby

I know this is a bizarre statement, but thank GOD for cesareans.

I hope this baby doesn't eat its brothers and sisters.

Acting my age

It's only Wednesday, and I've already done 19 hrs of babysitting this week. I've changed diapers and clothes, played on the floor and in the dirt, wiped noses and picked boogers. My clothes smell of Desitin, masticated Cheerios and regurgitated Similac. I've heard, "Amy, go home," "Amy, I love you," "Amy, time out," and "BRUGGGHbplihihihihihihYAYAYAYaaaaahhhhhhh." I have accompanied the Itsy Bitsy Spider on countless ascents to the top of the water spout.

I have another 26 hrs of kid care ahead, punctuated only by a 1st birthday party Sunday morning. I am desperate for some adult conversation, a glass of wine, and food that isn't pureed or eaten with one's hands.

And instead I got carded buying NyQuil.

4th trimester

Somebody's turning 3 months old this weekend! Hopefully she's received her package from Auntie Amy.

Hello, Ladies

I'd been carrying around a DSW coupon for months and finally made my way there Wednesday night. I was a little uninspired, but I also wasn't giving it my all. I passed over a pair of quilted silver ballet flats by Rampage for these spunky little Steve Maddens (pardon my veiny feet):





$15, thank you very much! Welcome to my shoe collection, ladies! I find that flats can often be deceptively uncomfortable, rubbing against the heel and whatnot, but these seem to be breaking in nicely.

Local shops

For some reason I have not wandered into some of the adorable little shops that stud the short distance between my place and Java Depot, where I'm hoping to become a regular (free Internet, plenty of outdoor seating, and delicious treats like the frozen Coffee Toffee I'm currently enjoying - in fact, their only downside is the conspicuous lack of accessible electrical outlets). I don't know if it's because I get intimidated going into new places or because I'm frightening by my lack of willpower when it comes to shopping. Either way, I finally acquainted myself with the lovely store Viva Papel, and just in time for the Stationery Swap!* The have gorgeous gift wrap, some cutsie baby items, and lots of Anne Taintor items. It's a shop after my own heart.

*Everyone that's signed up is a friend/family/acquaintance of Beth's. Where my paper-loving peeps at? Don't make me take you off my Christmas card list.

Shoe help

It's gotten ever so slightly cooler, but I'm missing the east coast version of fall. I've also got a Zappos.com gift certificate burning a whole in my online checking account balance and am shoe shopping while watching the Emmies because, let's face it, awards shows are boring. The most exciting parts come before and after, and since Paul wouldn't let me watch the red carpet preview - bastard, I will rearrange your cd's when you least expect it - and the fashion blogs won't start up til tomorrow, so I'm multitasking. I love my laptop!


So, these are a poor woman's Stuart Weitzman, but what do you think of these:

I really do need help deciding how to spend it. Do I go for something classic, like this black kitten-heel? Or perhaps something more whimsical like this striped canvas wedge? I can tell you one thing, I won't be purchasing anything that looks like this:

This style heel should be banned. Maybe this works on wood block sandals in parts of Asian were rice growing constitutes a large portion of the local agrarian economy, but this style a wedge does not make. It's a platform, and an ugly one at that. I've encountered this style many times on the clearance racks at DSW, and like that ugly blouse you see 4 or 5 visits in a row at Marshalls, it's there for a reason. These shoes suck, and if I see someone in a heel like this I'll do my very best to trip her without making it too obvious. That'll learn her.

Stationery Swap

Alright girlies, hike up your panties, put on your shopping shoes and get ready to make nice with the mustachioed lady at the post office - it's a

Stationery Swap!

This swap will be co-hosted by Beth over at Shenanigans, making it an international affair. Beth and I both participated in a Favorite Things Swap which was SO cool in theory but a bit blah in practice. We thought this would be a good follow-up, because let's face it, who doesn't need more pretty paper and cool cards to scribble a note on?! Sooooooooooooooo, here are the details:

1. E-mail me at amymleclair[AT]hotmail[DOT]com
2. Include your snail mail address
3. Deadline for entry is Oct. 1

We'll randomly assign swap partners. Purchase some stationary - sheets and envelopes, notecards, be creative - and mail it off by October 15th. I'm counting on all of my regular readers to participate - Steph, Auntie M, Mrs. BananaHammock, Dr. Bec... you get the idea, you know who you are!

Just when you thought she couldn't get worse

Everyone and their plumber is talking about Britney's 'come back' performance from last night's VMAs. In case you missed it, check it out here. I'm not sure I can say anything that hasn't already been said, but I saw Dr. Phil on The View this morning and even he wants to help Britney, so if me and the big Doc P agree on something, I figure it's worth a little further meditation.

For the love of god would someone get this girl an agent, a publicist, a psychoanalyst, a life coach, a big sister, someone, anyone, something! On the San Diego news tonight they're going to interview a PR specialist who will tell us whether this will damage her comeback possibilities. Are you kidding me?? That's not a news story! She's a train wreck. She makes Anna Nicole Smith look like a president of the local PTA. When K Fed looks like the good parent in a relationship, you know the mom is one hot mess. Do you think she cuts herself every time she sees Justin? Do you think he goes to a church, drops $20 in the box (he better have enough self-respect to put more than a buck in) and lights a candle every time he sees her, thanking God, Allah AND Buddah that he got out of that relationship when he did? He gets Cameron Diaz, Jessica Biel and/or Jessica Alba and she gets both of her bold bits splashed across the tabloids - it's cosmically unjust.

And shame on the people at MTV for putting that highly unstable girl up to this. She's going to have to live with this for the rest of her life. They couldn't leave her be with the snake performance, the rip-off tux, and the Madonna kiss? What, did they lure her there with OxyContin crusted corn dogs and purple KoolAid spiked with Hennessy? "Here Brit, put on this bra and hot pants. You've got 15 minutes to go over the choreographer with the dancers. Don't worry, we'll watch the boys. Wait, you only brought 1 - did you leave the other one in the car again? Yes, we'll make sure they get their coca-cola bottles."

Paul on Humor

Paul: Aims, do you know if you froze some poop and put it
on a popsicle stick you could call it a poop-sicle. He he.
[long pause]
Me: What is wrong with you?

Twenty minutes later...

Paul: He he.
Me: What are you laughing about?
Paul: hahahhahahahahahahahahahah
[long pause]
Me: You're laughing about the 'poop-sicle' again, aren't
you?
Paul: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Paul on Parenthood

Yesterday Paul sent me an email:

Re: OH...MY...GOD

Evil

Talking about it before bed, he said, "If I had a baby like that I'd lose it [the baby]."

Amy's Guide to Style

I was just watching my DVRed first episode of Tim Gunn's Guide to Style (side note: new series of Project Runway just around the corner, I'd hold my breath if I had the willpower, but if you've seen my hips since '97 you know better). Tim demands every woman have 10 basics for her wardrobe:

1. A basic black dress
2. A trench coat
3. A white shirt
4. Classic dress pants
5. A skirt
6. A blazer
7. A cashmere sweater
8. Jeans
9. A day dress
10. A sweatsuit alternative

AND when Rebecca - the lucky bitch who got, among other things, a Catherine Malandrino dress and a new diamond ring - she's from Hoboken, does she really need either? Sorry, where was I?...oh yeah, when she picked out her #3 what did she decide on?

Can you see it (far right)? It's a collared wrap shirt with military sleeves, not at all unlike the Old Navy top of yesterday's post! Am I good or what?

Back to School

Well, not really. In fact, for the first time in 21 years I will not be in a classroom this fall as either a student or a teacher. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself! I know what I should be doing - writing a dissertation proposal - but that doesn't require new outfits, and back to school shopping is my favorite thing about the fall! New school year, new season, new fall fashions - there's a small chance to reinvent yourself. The great irony is that I'm in a geographical area that basically doesn't experience fall AND this season's preppy chic is so me! (Hello, Stuart Weitzmans...) Here are some things that I hope to adopt into my closet for my fantasy fall wardrobe:

I don't do ankle boots, those are S.M.O. - Sienna Miller Only - but Kiley was rocking this dress when I saw her in NYC and Bec and I both agreed we needed to own it immediately (a small and dull silver lining to living in 3 different states). It's so versatile! Throw a tee shirt underneath and wear with flip-flops for a casual Saturday shopping; turtle neck, ribbed tights, wedge Mary Jane's and you're good for work or school; a strapless bra, light cardigan paired with sexy kitten heels and it's business time! Did I mention that it has pockets?

It's grey, it's wrap, the only buttons are on the sleeves - this is the Oxford I've been waiting for. I always feel like I should have some button-down collared shirts, but then I remember that they look horrible on me. The first week of class this summer one of my students wore this fantastic wrap pinstriped blouse and I was dieing to ask her where it was from but felt that was inappropriate. They also have them at Express but not in good colors.

Love the rich burgundy color, love the hardware detail. Would love to see it draped over my arm.

Normally I would have to add some shoes here, but I refuse to stray from my SWs.

Pajama Party!

I've been invited to a pj party! It's the 1st birthday of one of my little charges so it's a Sunday morning shindig, and it combines 2 of my favorite culinary categories: breakfast foods and baked goods! So far this has been the domain of bridal and baby showers, but there's no reason it can't be used for other occasions. I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner. Mental note: next year, have a birthday brunch.

Other exciting aspects are that I get to buy a birthday present for the little munchkin - I love shopping for babies - AND since my pj collection isn't geared towards this climate, I think some new ones might be in order. A few that have caught my eye:






And while I'm sure that Victoria's Secret model is drinking an Izzie, it looks an awful lot like a Corona.

These people made me?

Me: I tried to call your cell phone but it was off.
Mom: We didn't bring it.
Me: Why?! What's the point of having a cell phone? This would be an excellent time to use it.
Mom (exasperated): I don't know how to use it and I was afraid of it going off on the plane.
Me (doubly exasperated): You shut it off on the plane!
Mom: Listen, I don't know how to use it.
Me: Put Dad on the phone.
Dad: Hello!
Me (incredulous): What's the point of having a cell phone if you don't know how to use it?!
Dad: This has been an ongoing saga.
Me: And between the 2 of you you couldn't figure out how to shut it off? You could have just asked the person next to you on the plane!
Dad: I just try and stay out of this.
Me: And they let you rent a car?!

What's the skinny?

This has been bothering me for the last week. I bought Self magazine during my 3 hr layover in DFW, and decided to try the one month body makeover. I made it through the first week, we'll see what happens with the next 3. Anywhoodle, Workout #1 (lose 8 lbs) is accompanied by these pics:

It's definitely the same model - you can see that the hair is exactly the same and, more importantly, so is the background (there's no way they set up another shoot 4 weeks later). So my question is did they airbrush her thin or chubby? I mean, god forbid they use 2 models, or have someone actually do the workouts (although I wouldn't want a "plus sized" model - who are 10's or 12's btw - to have to lose weight, but this just feels wrong. It's like used false lashes in mascara advertisements.)

Hello, ladies!

Magazine tear + digital camera = who needs a scanner

And in case you couldn't figure it out, these are the Stuart Weitzmans I have been dreaming about.

Favorite Things

Thanks, Diane, for sharing your favorite things:

• Flavored tea
• Colored paper clips shaped like hearts
• Beautiful note cards from Elum

And here are my favorite things that I hope Casey is enjoying.

Things I love, Real and Simple

After an issue-less August I'm chalking up to the move, the September Real Simple arrived and has been delighting me for the past 2 days.

These modular linen tiles from Pottery Barn were featured as a way to hang jewelry with pearl tipped straight pins, and I am absolutely going to copy that idea.

Then there are the fall fashions. I am totally in love with the preppy-diva trend. I love men's ware made fem and think this may be because I was heavily influenced by Annie Lennox circa "Sweat Dreams" as a child. Specifically, on page 102 there is a pair of Stuart Weitzman heels that I an infatuated with. I cannot find a picture of them online and that makes me want to cry, because I can't share their brilliance with you if you don't have the current RS handy, but I will try to describe them, knowing in advance that mere words cannot do them justice – the toe strikes the perfect balance between pointy and rounded, the material is a black and white tweed with black patent leather accents, including 3” skinny heels and a Mary Jane strap just below the ankle bone. They are so me. I don’t want to make love to them per se, rather I want to take them to dinner and buy them a nice piece of jewelry to let them know how special they are.

In my desperate hunt for those beauties I found this AWESOME blog – kindred sole, clearly! – and these cutie patooties from Kenneth Cole’s Unlisted line (Unlisted is to Kenneth Cole as Old Navy is to Banana Republic, with the Reaction line being on par with the Gap - and incidentally the website I would those shoes on is the Gap, Inc.'s new shoe site.)

Now, these shoes are unrealistic on many levels. For starters, now that I live in SoCal I'm not sure I'm going to get a fall. I'm sure people wear fall clothes because they're morons - I've seen girls in Ugg boots and shearling coats in January even though it's still in the 60's - but I don't want to be like that. Second, where would I wear them? To the library at UCSD where everyone else is in flip flops, or maybe ballet flats if they're feeling spunky? Babysitting? It probably wouldn't go over to well if one of my charges impaled themself on my shoe. Finally, at $299 they are ever so slightly out of my price range. Although, compared to these $540 Dior Mary Janes they're a steal!

And I prefer the Weitzmans...

Fashion Fright

I don’t know how I’ve stayed silent on this issue for so long – I think I’ve blocked it out. The time has come, however, to address a serious issue – the monokini. I recall having one of these in my pre-teen years, but I was a) pre-teen, aka no body yet and b) the cut outs were much, much smaller – like tennis ball size.

I have a problem with bathing suits no matter what. Racing suits have always plagued me – they squish the beejesus out of my already little bosoms, accentuate the “fullness” of my stomach, hips and bum, and leave awful tan lines. My main problem areas are thutt (where the thighs meet the butt) and my love handles. My only hope for the thutt would be a granny skirt, but at that is really not an option. At 27 there is no excuse for a swimsuit tutu. I do have a shred of dignity left, and I am clinging to it for dear life.

So what are my options? Wetsuit? Slightly drastic, and I worry I’d be mistaken for a seal and hunted for my pelt. One pieces seem like the logical alternative because at least they cover my stomach and hips, but I have a short torso and one pieces can flatten out the little ones, which are some of my few assets. When my belly button is below a 2-knuckle depth on my index finger I use this as a green light for the bikini. Triangle tops make my mammaries look sad and saggy, so I generally opt for a wide-strap halter top and a medium rise bottom with full back coverage, emphasis on the full. Like this (although the model's mons pubis looks freakishly long - maybe it's the print). My clavicle is one of the few spots on my body not carrying a little extra weight, along with my ears and my gums, and I think this style accentuates it.

The monokini is the antithesis to my ideal bikini. This piece of clothing, if you want to call it that, falls squarely into the category of “Things Only Gweneth Paltrow/Sienna Miller/Giselle Bunchen Should Wear And Even Then I’m Still On The Fence,” along with cropped cigarette pants, high wasted pencil skirts, and shoes that tie up the leg. What fashion industry genius sat in a room and dreamed up this water weary monstrosity? There is nothing I fear greater than the image of me in one of these – already short torso made stumpier by the center strap AND side cutouts to allow my fat to spill out like the foam on an overflowing draft Guiness. Bleck. Dear god I want to give up carbs for 5-7 days just thinking about it. Pass the Alli.

A final, if somewhat tangential, note on swimwear. WTF with metal bits? Don’t get me wrong, I love shiny like a magpie, but am I the only one that thinks this isn’t the best accoutrement to put on an item meant to be worn in the sun? Wouldn’t this burn into your flesh?

Why does this remind me of a children's game timer?

My fear is that this skanktastic swimwear is going to end up on sale racks – and with good reason! – and be scooped up by the fashion un-savvy. I beg you all to spread the anti-monokini message.

Life's little luxuries

Three years ago when I wandered into BCBG, was seduced by the personal shopper and blew my whole tax rebate (before I knew it was coming - a little retrospective justification never hurt anyone) I noticed something - expensive clothes are made better. The dresses fit better, they hung better, they had little snap tabs on the to hold your bra straps in place. The luxury was in the details.

On my recent trip back east I flew first class (when you're in a long distance relationship you rack up a lit of frequent flyer miles). Now American Airlines is the Payless of the skies (although, in defense of Payless their style really has been improving) - they don't even have individual televisions in the seats! - but you just get treated better. Go right to the check-in desk? Sure! Separate line with no wait at security? Yee haw! Board first? Don't mind if I do, and might I add these warmed nuts are delicious. My luggage was even the first on the carousel! I thought it was a coincidence until it happened in both JFK and SAN.

As I took the boss's car for service this morning I was dazzled by all the buttons - the adjustments you can make on the driver's seat are seemingly endless. I particularly enjoyed the lumbar support. Now I can't say I have much to go by in the way of comparison, but the Audi dealership seemed like the Four Seasons of car dealerships - they even had a little gift shop and cafe! The best perk for me? Two words - loaner car. If only I had somewhere to go on a road trip! The garden center at Home Depot didn't really cut it.

Cutest Niece EVER

Steph has already acknowledged that later on they might have some regrets about encouraging Kayley to stick her tongue out for her 'baby's first trick.'

But right now it's wicked cute.

Eating my way through the North East

I like to do gastronomic traveling. The food on the plane was, shockingly, less than exciting, but NYC was worth the trip. Here are some of the highlights:

• burgers & beers at Fanelli's
• mac & cheese at Nolita House
• champagne at Palio
• pizza at Lombardi's
• all sorts of deliciousness at 'inoteca

Back in MA, it's been a return to basics with my dad's steak tips, Richardson's ice cream, and a meatball sub. Tomorrow night I'll be in the bleacher seats at Fenway Park, so a Fenway Frank and a few $9 Bud Lights might be in order. And then I'll head back to CA before my BMI exceeds legal state limits!

Is there a doctor in the house?

CONGRATULATIONS to Ms. Rebecca Kate Glauber, PhD (!!) who successfully defended her dissertation this afternoon. Dr. Glauber will be joining the faculty at the University of New Hampshire this fall, where she will educate inquisitive young minds about the intersection of race, marital status and gender inequality in the labor market and, hopefully, teach her colleagues a thing or to about how academic fashion is done in the new millennium. Yay Bec!

(Left to right: Jane, moi, Dr. Bec, Owen, Sarah)

Coastal Comparison

New York

HIGH: 76°
LOW: 68°
HUMIDITY: 80%
RAIN: 90%
Cloudy. Periods of rain, mostly in the morning. Downpours possible. Isolated flooding possible. Flood watch in effect.

Solana Beach

HIGH: 77°
LOW: 65°
HUMIDITY: 0%
RAIN: 10%
A few clouds this morning, but generally sunny for the afternoon. Same forecast for the next 10 days.

Now I remember why I moved.

Professional Student

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What do we think of these?

Grilling 101

Tip #1: When it says on the package to soak wooden skewers in water for at least 30 minutes prior to grilling, this is less of a suggestion and more of a safety must.

Tip #2: When using matches because the starter is out, don't turn the gas all the way up, close the lid, walk away for a minute, and then through a lit match on the grill - or, if you do, stand back a good 5 feet.

Tip #3: Singed arm hairs can be trimmed using men's beard clippers. Afterwards, apply a nicely scented moisturizer and patiently wait for regrowth.

The P.A. Experience

You know those assholes in their expensive cars zooming down the freeway, weaving in and out of lanes without signaling and scaring you within an inch of your life? I was in the death seat of one this morning as my employer rushed to make his early morning international flight.

I suggested we take advantage of the commuter lane. "I think that's illegal at this point," he said, referring to the fact that we would have to cross the double solid line. I was too busy muttering every prayer I could remember to point out that running several red lights and driving on the wrong side of the road weren't behaviors condoned by California Highway Patrol.

While he's away I'm getting the car serviced, ordering dance tickets, and delivering freshly picked tomatoes to Suzie at the bank (as you do). It sounds so glamorous in print - trust me, the reality isn't quite the same. Maybe it's the dirty laundry in the back seat of the car or the rotting bananas and unidentifiable smushed "health food" bars - I think it's a combination.

I barely slept last night and my shoulders are wrecked from the week on the futon so I think a massage is in order (courtesy of Mia's bday gift - thanks babe!!).

Home Alone

We're freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The house guests departed this morning - yippee! We spent the last day with a trip to the beach - where I almost swam into a sea lion! I wasn't wearing my contacts and all of a sudden Paul was calling to me to swim over. Apparently our friend Mark saw it as it was about to swim between Paul and me. I was out further than it, and Paul, rightly so, thought I might get a little freaked out if it popped up beside me - and the dad's wife was stung by a jellyfish - I'm sorry, I know I'm evil, but I can't help thinking there's some type of karma involved there, of course then we had to listen to her .... - some car washing and impromptu gardening (the fun never ends around here!), steaks and Notes on a Scandal. There was a 10 min period where I thought she was going to talk through the entire movie, and I was contemplating all my passive and not so passive aggressive options for indicating that movie watching = quiet time; luckily, we watched in relative silence.

Now we just have to wash all the kitchen, bedroom and bath linens we own and move back into our own bedroom - woo hoo!

An open letter to my houseguests

Dear boyfriend's dad's wife*,

*Notice that we don't use the term "stepmom." Your husband's kids would rather slam their heads against a brick wall coated in maple syrup near a bunch of hungry bees than acknowledge you as a legitimate part of your life.

My first introduction to you was shortly before you married the boyfriend's dad, when he and his sister were in the throws of investigating whether or not their father was indeed about to legally engage in bigamy. It's surprising you didn't have a hand in this, actually - their mum had filed twice and I can imagine you were eager to have the dad all to yourself. Then I met you at your wedding and after wondering why on earth you'd wear a lavender wedding gown at your second marriage you, apparently having read my mind, proceeded to corner me for what felt like an eternity and tell me the story of how at your age you couldn't wear a white dress, but as luck would have it it was the first order of a purple dress the store had taken. Imagine that. I still think a cream linen suit would have been more appropriate, but what do I know.

Not having had to deal with you for the past 4 years has been quite a gem. Sure, there have been snippets of your annoyance passed through the grapevine. Who could forget the time you donated all of the boyfriend's suits to GoodWill without letting him know, forcing him to purchase a new one from TopMan hours before his friend's wedding. Also, the sister did mention how you caused a big fuss at the dad's birthday meal, something about it not being all about you. Shocking, I must say.

Now that you are in my country I am looking back on the time we've spent apart as nothing less than magical. Woman, you do not shut up. You have been complaining since before you even got here - the boyfriend could hear you moaning in the background about how cold the weather was in SF while he was on the phone with his father. It wasn't what you'd expeted, you say. Have you heard of the internet? It's a wonderful place for looking up facts such as the temperature in various parts of the world. Having done this would have also prevented your brother calling from the east coast at the crack of dawn our time to tell you what the weather is going to be in Kiev in 2 weeks time when he gets married.

When you asked what you could do to help prepare dinner, I was thinking, "Holding your head under water for 5 minutes would be lovely?" but thought that might be inappropriate. See, that's what we call a filter - you obviously lack one. This was most clearly demonstrated when you proceeded to tell me the details of your first marriage in front of your husband's son. You reckon he was quite hurt and that's something you'll have to live with the rest of your life. While I've never had the pleasure of meeting husband #1, I can say with a fair degree of certainly that your conscience can rest easy and losing you in his life wasn't remotely as painful as you fancy it was.

May I be so bold as to ask a personal questions? Do you ever shut up long enough to breathe? I find it ironic that you complained that your mother had your father wrapped around her little finger when you clearly have your husband's nether-regions in a vice grip. He's a nice guy, but you'd barely no it since you never let him speak, and your presence doesn't exactly give one faith in his tastes. You dictate the man's ideas to him and then shout at him when he doesn't support what your saying. You want to know why he poured your drink so heavy last night? Maybe it was to knock you out!

I know tomorrow you're leaving for a few days, but knowing that you'll be back for the weekend is like knowing that you've got a few days of rest between a colonoscopy by an untrained sadist and a root canal performed by someone whose only experience has been on a Dr. Drill & Fill. I can safely say that by the time you leave for real I'll have had enough of you for years to come. Hell, since I've heard everything you could possibly have to tell me about your daughter, her job, your first husband, you parents' marriage, your mother's death, your father's death, your brother's bride-to-be, your courtship with the dad, your harp playing, your plans for retirement, your various bodily ailments, including but not limited to hip replacement, rheumatoid arthritis, and sciatica, your daughter's allergies, and many, many other things I couldn't have possibly taken in because the sheer number of words emitted from your mouth per minute is mind-boggling I cannot imagine, nor do I care to, what else you could possibly talk about. Our brief conversational forays into the world of politics over dinner have left me with a keen desire to remove my own skin 1 square centimeter at a time with a rusty grapefruit spoon rather than listen to another one of your moronic comments.

We talked briefly about Harry Potter. Have you ever met J.K. Rowling? I get the impression she may have formatted the Death Eaters in your likeness, because every moment with you saps one's will to live. I will use the next few days to store up happy thoughts and use them as a defense against the black hole of hope that emerges in your presence until that time when we part ways. One can only hope that it'll be another 4 years before I have to share a postal code with you again.

Your Truly,

The Hostess.

My personal DNA map

It says that I'm creative, but I keep having to plagiarize other's blog entries:

WTF, SYTYCD?

My love for So You Think You Can Dance is no secret, but after reviewing last night's results show thanks to DVR I've got to say I'm a little underwhelmed.

This season is great dancer wise. There's lots of eye candy. Cat Deeley herself is a tall drink of water, and her dresses, hair and makeup have been fabulous. She also seems to genuinely care about the contestants and always sticks up for them when they get knocked by the judges. Comparing SYTYCD with Simon Fuller's other talent show American Idol, this host makes Ryan Seacrest look like the douche bag that he really is.

Speaking of judges, these ones are quirky but they know what they're talking about. Even Mary, who's cuckoo for Coco Puffs, beats out Paula hands down any day because I've never heard her mumble on about dreams and unicorns and fluffy bursts of happiness...I also like that Mary's enthusiasm doesn't appear to be chemically induced.

Now the dancers. I am so glad they got rid of Jamie. Yeah, she's got "great lines", but let's be honest - she's a poor man's Allison. And she looks like a twunt. I've got to begrudgingly excuse the ribbon the the French braid - I don't think she had a say - but who intentionally wears her hair in a French twist? For real?

The other girls - Lauren, Lacey, Sabra, Sara -not only do I want to watch them dance, I want to hang out with them. Go shopping, grab a beer, and gossip about what a cow Jamie was. (Bio pictures aren't terribly flattering).

The guys, getting back to eye candy - oooh, those guys. What I wouldn't give to have one of them dripping sweat on top of me. If you don't watch this show, check out Pasha, Danny, Neil, and Kameron. They are so friggin' hot! Yum. (Dominic is a cutie, but he should have been the one to go, not Kameron.) (Man, those bio pics make them look like such tossers - they're not so Ryan Seacresty on the show).

The show has just been a little bit of a snooze fest the last two weeks. Having all 10 dancers do the same solo - whose mind numbing idea was that? And of course it had to be to a song that makes me want to bang my head against the unstable beach cliffs across the street. John Mayer may be "Waiting on the World to Change," but I'm waiting for them to stop playing that song. And for the show to step it up!

Happy Birthday, me!

I love my birthday because I hear from so many people I love and it reminds me how lucky I am to have them all in my life! And I get pressies...

Today I've heard from:

Michelle, Lisa, Mom, Paul D, Aunt Mary, Aunt Donna, Tara, Lenny, Amy B, Peter, Leslie, Sarah, Rebecca, Mia, Steph (and Kayley and Scott), Beth (and Larry), Stacey, Mikaila, Sarah and Jane

And I've received:

e-cards, texts, phone calls, Organics to Go kit, Zappos gift card, and this AMAZING jewelry from Ashley, Jane and Sarah:

Can't wait ti wear it to dinner!!

Alternating Tuesdays and Thursdays 7-9

I'm going to get my new driver's license tomorrow, so I was reading the California Driver Handbook 2007 when I fell upon this nugget of caution under the heading "Additional Driving Rules":

Do not shoot firearms on a highway or at traffic signs.

Is it okay to shoot firearms in commercial, residential or school zones so long as they're not located on a highway? Can you fire at pedestrians, cyclists, livestock or other vehicles? Are you legally permitted to shoot a firearm from a moving vehicle? It just concerns me because the section on window decals immediately following is much more detailed - what you can and can't have, how big it can be, on which windows, on what side of the front windshield, exceptions to these rules, etc. The firearm restrictions seem a little thin, no?

Domestic woes - Ode to a fallen fridge

Thursday night we grabbed some beers out of the fridge to go with dinner, and Paul asked if mine was cold. "Nope." There was a long moment of staring at each other with a mixture of fear, hope, and knowing - we were off to the fridge. The top shelf was less than cold, but rest of fridge's temperature decreased steadily as one moved towards the crisper. The freezer was keeping things frozen. By Friday night, however, we had accepted the truth - something was amiss with our dear side-by-side Kenmore. Did this stop us from doing some 3-figure grocery shopping? 'Course not, we were having guests over Saturday night and something as mundane as a faulty appliance wasn't going to stop us.

Saturday morning rolled around, however, and we decided we were going to have to grapple with reality.

"What are we going to do about the fridge?"
"Call Zac. What other options do we have?"

Zac is our landlord, who owns the house and lives upstairs, but he and his wife are traveling around the Pacific NE and Canada in their "mobile estate" for a few months, while we're stuck with the less-than-considerate sub letters.

"Damn it. This is why I rent."

Why indeed. What will happen the day I actually have to confront a household problem - a clogged drain, any verity of vermin larger than a nickel, a faulty appliance - and there's no one I can call to do it for me, I'm not quite sure, but I'm not particularly looking forward to said day.

Paul moved the fridge from the wall and began a detailed cleaning process that involved those rarely used vacuum attachments, half a roll of paper towels, and a replacement electric toothbrush head jammed onto the end of a chopstick. Sadly, his struggles were in vein, and I attempted to prioritize our perishables, deeming yogurt a higher priority than margarine as I crammed as much dairy as possible into the red and white Playmate cooler (which, eBay informs me, is now considered a vintage model) while Paul struck a deal with someone off Craigslist for a replacement to be delivered the next day between 9 and 11.

Around 2:30 a whatever-is-the-opposite-of-proverbial man with a van arrived and dropped a fridge in the living room. I sat there on one of our many pieces of IKEA furniture, glanced up from the pages of the new Harry Potter book, and thought aloud:

There's a fucking fridge in my living room.

The combination made me feel slightly pikey, as Paul might say, and I glanced up at the white brick fireplace, half expecting to see a collection of Dale Earnhardt commemorative plates, or a frosted Busch Light mirror. I hope I never have this thought again, or if I do, that I'm at least sitting in a room filled with furniture from West Elm or Pottery Barn. The high thread count cushions would help soften the blow to my ego.

The fancy new fridge is sitting in its nook - and by fancy, I mean functional. I only knew the first fridge for a few weeks, but I miss it already. The sliding bins on the freezer side made me happy, keeping the meat separate from the microwave meals, with the cooler packs tucked snugly on the door. The ice maker, even if it didn't work, provided a nice place for us to chill our white wine Saturday night when the fridge part was approaching its final freon-less hours. I usually mourn shoes, not things one purchases at Sears, but I think we should respect those parts of our homes that make modern, civilized life possible. That fridge chilled more than one Coke Zero, and the first time I enjoyed the refreshing burst of an ice cold Fresca Peach Citrus washing over my taste buds - well the fridge was a big part of that. So farewell, fallen soldier. You did the name Kenmore proud, even though I'm sure we've both contemplated how things could have been different if you were a Maytag.

Whether the scrapyard is in your future, only time will tell. In the meantime, stand proud in the garage. Who knows, new uses for you may just be waiting to be discovered. God willing, perhaps the upstairs neighbors 4 lbs Chihuahua will make you his new favorite play toy and meet an untimely end after becoming "accidentally" trapped in your doors. One chapter of your life has come to an end, but a new one is just beginning. The possibilities are endless.

Alternative methods of birth control

In a fit of procrastination from cleaning (we're having people over tomorrow night) I was blog hopping and stumbled upon this.

I officially want to have my cervix sewn shut, and I have a sudden urge to vacuum.

Craftastic

I think these projects came out a little better than the last.

Magazine flowers to compliment a vase I made Paul a few years ago:

And some pillow cases made from vegetable stamps - something I will definitely try again in the future when I can get my hands on some plain linens.

Think I'll give crafting a rest for a few days.

Get your read on

Once again, I'm single-white-femaling Beth. (Bec you're not here for me to SWF!!), but I thought I'd give it a twist and list both pleasure/academic reading

1. A book that changed your life: I Know This Much is True / When Corporations Rule the World
2. A book read more than once: The Phantom Tollbooth / Travesti
3. A book you’d want on a desert island: The Samuri's Garden / Heat Wave - to remind me I didn't have it all that bad
4. A book that made you laugh: Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim /The Scar of Race - but only because it used the phrase "higgedly piggedly"
5. A book that made you cry: They Cage the Animals at Night / Savage Inequalities
6. A book you wish you’d written: Possible Side Effects / Dilemmas of Desire
7. A book you wish had never been written: One Hundred Years of Solitude / America Calling
8. A book you’re currently reading: Memoires of a Geisha / Latinos, Inc.
9. A book you’ve been meaning to read: The Inheritance of Loss / everything related to my dissertation, but specifically Creating Mental Illness
10. Tag five people: Hmm, I don't think there are 5 people that read my blog on a regular basis, let alone who blog themselves. Just meditate on it privately.

She's Crafty

Well, at least she's trying to be. After finally doing something responsible and getting myself set up at UCSD yesterday, I rewarded myself with a trip to Michael's (add this to the list of stores Amy shouldn't be allowed to go into by herself). I'm all stocked up and ready to craft:

Last night I attempted my first project, a "rock-n-roll" bracelet made from paper, glass beads and elastic:

I don't love it, but it's not too bad for a first attempt. I definitely have a few ideas about how I could improve the next time around.

And in case I needed some inspiration, I got the perfect surprise pick-me-up in the mail yesterday:

The garland of paper flowers was a gift from Bec a while back. I had them in my office at NYU and forgot that I had packed them up with some books that arrived yesterday. They are so pretty - the colors match perfectly with our new table linens and my sale carnations, and they remind me of Bec. I love them.

Now I just have to make sure Paul doesn't huff the spray adhesive.

Suburban Bliss

I always thought I would be bored if I didn't work - I think I might have been wrong. I'm taking a little hiatus from sociology and just enjoying my new adventures in CA. Today I've accomplished quite a lot. I had an interview for another personal assistant position in one of the most gorgeous houses I've ever set foot in. It was like being in the pages of Better Homes & Gardens. Then I did some food shopping. Of course I didn't want to go hungry, so I tried one of these bad boys from Carl's Jr.:

Not gonna lie, it was delicious. I'm currently experiencing some moderate abdominal discomfort, but I'm sure it'll pass. I'm also going to have to do an awful lot of yoga to burn off all 660 calories (yup - I looked), but I figure if I skip dinner I should be okay.

I'm tiring of the driving pretty quickly (I now stalk gas prices the way I've stalked shoes online in the past), but there is something very satisfying about grocery shopping with a full-size cart (we have these weeny little ones in NYC to fit down the narrow aisles). I'm applying my bargainacious skills to food shopping, clipping coupons and watching sale tags. Today I saved $25.17 with my Von's card. 6 ears of white corn for $0.96! 3 x 12-packs of soda cans for $10! That's $0.30 a can! Do we need 36 cans of soda in the house? Probably not, but we are having people over next weekend and only 1/3 of the cans made it to the fridge, the rest are in the pantry snuggled next to the Triscuits and Wheat Thins I got last week at 2/$7. And besides, it's such a DEAL!

I rounded out my afternoon with a stop at the Solana Beach library. Getting a library card last week was kind of fun - I haven't had one that wasn't university affiliated since I was about 7. Books I checked out:

• How to be a Budget Fashionista
• knitgrrl2
• the knit stitch
• AlternaCrafts
• Beginners' Guide to Herb Gardening
• Papercraft
  

Domestic phase, much?

Okay, so maybe the problem isn't that I'd get bored after awhile, but that I'd become boring. I assure you, though, it delights be just as much to save $0.99 on a bunch of carnations as it does to find BCBG kitten heels for $30 at Marshalls. There's room in my hearts for steals and deals of all shapes and sizes.

Right then, time for Oprah. I know I need to start squeezing a little sociology into my life, but right now I'm enjoying my vacation from real work.

It's here!

I first saw this gorgeous travel wallet on Beth's blog, and I knew I had to have one. Beth kindly put me in contact with Sara, who took time out of her busy dissertating schedule to make one for me and ship it from Switzerland! I, of course, was more than happy to support the hobby and independent craft work of a fellow PhD student.

Ooh, I can't wait to travel somewhere!

About me

I had to write a little blurb about myself today for a "favorite things" swap, and I just re-read it. I know myself better than I thought, and I figured out what I want to do with my life.

I'm getting my PhD in sociology, recently move to San Diego, CA, to live with my ex pat English boyfriend after 3 1/2 yrs long distance. Miss NYC loads but am loving the beach weather. Dream of a second career as a professional organizer. Want to get married (or create a wedding registry more precisely) because it's one of the only socially acceptable ways to procure a Kitchen Aid stand mixer, but have promised myself one on my 30th b-day if not yet married. Life goals - run a feminist-orientated non-profit org and own a pair of Manolo Blahniks and/or Christian Louboutins. Love cooking, shopping, Target, book stores and craft fairs.

Yup, that about sums it up.

Podtastic

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm not using my iPod to its fullest potential. Every few months I get inspired to brush up on my French, so I found these:

• Learn French by Podcast - who better to practice your French with than an Irish man
• The French Pod Class
• One Thing in a French Day (might unsubscribe because the woman's voice annoys me)

Theoretically I could brush up on my French while I lie on the beach, but today I dozed off during a lesson on the correct usage of amener, emener, porter and emporter. I really hope I don't have to tell someone en francais what and whom I'm bringing to a picnic.

On a recent iTunes binge, I found a bunch of new free podcasts that I really like:

• ExerciseRadio.com
• fitPod.com - I haven't actually worked out to either of these, but I listened to them seaside on the beach chaise and felt like I was back poolside at the Ritz with the happy hour DJ spinning an acid jazz lounge mix. Very shamelessly Eurotrash. (Miami is hot as f%&$ in August but you can get mad hotel discounts.)
• Insta Spanish Lessons
• Relaxation Music
• YOGAmazing
• Yoga Today

This last one is my new fav. Free 50 minute yoga video. I like the instructors a lot, it keeps me from spending $14 a session with a bunch of fake-boobed beach cougars (sorry, ladies of North County San Diego - no smoke without a fire and all that) and I can fall out of tree pose in the privacy of my own home. The one draw back is that it's hard to ground my intentions, clear my mind and connect with my prana when the lead-footed bitch upstairs won't stop clod-hopping around.

Home Improvement

2 layers of primer and 2 coats of ceiling white, and we went from this:

To this:

Much better. Now we just need to get rid of the wretched florescent lighting.

Shopping

I got lost on my way to the grocery store today and ended up at Marshalls - whoops! While I have no business shopping right now, I thought I'd check out the dresses. I haven't been feeling fantastic lately, the upshot of which is that it's kept me from shopping, but I've lost 4 lbs of my
NY weight (no one ever told me about the grad school 15) and wanted to feel like I could still be attractive in something other than pj's.

I LOVE Marshalls, and this one had good stuff - Calvin Klein, BCBG Max Azria, Nine West, Kenneth Cole. The translucent PVC Prada trench and the tan Miu Miu jumpsuit weren't my cup of tea, but at $80 and $30 respectively they were a steal. I mostly stayed in the dresses because a) I'm obsessed w/ dresses, especially for the summer, b) they showcase my good bits - my clavicle looks svelte - and minimize my less good bits - thighs like ham hocks, not gonna lie, and c) I can now wear summer dresses year round. Found two dresses I love, this one (reverse the black and white) and another by Speechless which I can't find a picture of, but which is a gorgeous off-white, gauzy halter with a warm red and brown twig and leaf print and it would look delicious with a pair of strappy brown sandals. Must find out from Paul if we are, in fact, invited to his friends' wedding, when it is, and how (in)formal it will be...

Just Checking?

Evidently the extra 50 lbs of luggage I had was not a sign that I'd remembered all the important stuff. My checks and spare contact lenses are just 2 items that seem to have gone m.i.a. in the packing hubbub (others soon to be discovered, I'm sure). Since my address has changed and I was running low this seemed like a good time to reorder checks. My last ones had a Breast Cancer Awareness theme and were all pretty and pink, but in an effort to demonstrate financial responsibility I decided to go with the standard (a.k.a. boring) cheap checks. After placing my order, however, I had a thought: I wonder if I can get them cheaper online?*

One quick google search and not only did I find the fun checks I wanted, I got them for less than the ugly ones! And while Bank of America doesn't allow you to cancel a check order once it's been placed, the fine people at customer service informed me that I can just bring the new, unused checks into my local branch and they'll refund the price! In these days of direct deposit/debit and online bill pay I don't write checks that often, but as the recorded hold message reminded me, checks do reflect your personality. I believe mine say: Smart, savvy and sophisticated shopper:

And a word to the people at Bradford Exchange Checks, unicorns are only "fun & cool" if you are under 8 years of age. Don't encourage people to think otherwise by putting those checks in said category. Same goes with anything animated. Disney and Peanuts I'll give a pass on because it's classic (although Walt was a bit of a fascist anti-Semite so we should really think about the extent to which we want to support the corporation bearing his name, but that's another post altogether), but if you are old enough to have a checking account you are too old for SpongeBob SquarePants. If you have weird fetishes, keep them private - don't advertise them in your financial transactions.

*Note: the answer is almost always 'Yes'.

Uninsured and Unsure

Mother of God (hi Mary, what's poppin'?) apparently not ever having had my own car has been a blessing in disguise. Between the two of us Paul and I have a BA, a BS, 3 Master's and 1.5 PhD's, and yet after talking to the majority of the employees at the Automotive Association of Southern California we're still not entirely sure what we're got to do to re-register both the cars in both our names.

Life in Solana Beach

I haven't even been here a full week yet, but I'm working hard to get acclimated. I'm trying not to be grumpy and keep a positive attitude. Here are some of the things I like so far:

• the weather - flip flops year round? I'm on board. As much as I love shoes and fashion my daily attire is much more lazy student than Vogue subscriber; it makes getting dolled up all the more special.
• the beach - on the 4th we crossed the street, went down the stairs, and hung out w/ friends. They brought a hibachi, and my Independence Day dream of having a hamburger and a hot dog off the grill came true. They also let you drink on the beach here, and when we ran out I just took the cooler back home and refilled. I gave boogie boarding a try, too!
• the vegetation - since it's warm but not too hot and sunny but not scorching the growing conditions are pretty favorable for a wide number of things. People have the most amazing rose bushes, lemon trees, succulents and other lovelies in the gardens. I've got 4 little pots of seeds out back in a first attempt at an herb garden.
• my job - I trolled Craiglist for a few weeks before moving out here and on my first full day started working as a personal assistant to Mr. Z. He's a little cuckoo for coco puffs, but he's liberal, puts his money where his mouth is (in the form of anonymous donations), and super nice. After our 1st hr together he gave me the keys to his Audi so I could run errands while he napped. Yesterday we shared green tea and let the insurance company know that big companies can't keep treading over the rights of individuals so they'll see us in small claims court.

That said, there are a few things I'm less than excited about and need a little more time to get used to:

• the weather - one day and I'm spoiled. It's been overcast the past 2 days, and I am positively indignant about it.
• sand - an unfortunate corollary to the beach. I grew up in a pool, but I'm really trying to embrace the salt, seaweed and sand of beach life, so long as we're at the beach. The problem I have is with the sand infiltrating every square inch of the apartment. You can't have a cup of tea without getting grains in your mouth. I find sand everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Every time I change I think I'm going to find a pearl in my lady garments. No amount of vacuuming, showering, scrubbing, sweeping or sticky-lint-brush-rollering seems to help.
• the neighbors - the owners of the house are gone for the summer, and the current subletters are not the quietest people. Why they feel the need to practice their jigs in the wee hrs of the morning in cement shoes is beyond me, but that's clearly what they're doing because there is no other plausible explanation for the noises coming from above.
• the bird - our apartment is accessed through the back patio doors, and there's a sloping driveway beside the house that leads to it. Apparently there is a nest on this part of the property - where exactly we can't tell - but the mama and papa bird have been dive-bombing with tenacity that would impress WWII kamikaze fighters. Paul actually swatted one of them the other day in a half-hearted defensive arm swing. I don't like to interfere with nature, but I also don't fancy getting my eyes pecked out by some avian soccer mom.

Still, I'm a big girl and am soldiering on. Today's task is to crack the code that encrypts all the information on the website for the California DMV.

Happy Birthday, America!

I've arrived in San Diego just in time to celebrate July 4th. I kind of hate July 4th, the same way and for the same reason I kind of hate New Year's Eve - it's so over rated and hyped up that if you don't have the most fun ever you feel like you failed somehow. It's a set up for disappointment.

This year, however, is different. For starters I've already gone for a 2 1/2 mile run (which makes it different from most days), and I'm going to spend the rest of the day on the beach with a bunch of ex-pats (go fig) drinking beer and eating hamburgers and hot dogs. This is a celebration I can get on board with.

OG - Original Grandparents

In my rush through my layover in Wakefield I almost forgot to see my grandparents. My flight wasn't until 5:30 yesterday, so after walking with my dad and before seeing my sister and niece I went over for a few minutes. Highlights of the visit:

• Grampy telling me that holding Kayley was "the greatest joy of my life."


• Helping Grammy try and find her hearing aid (which, apparently, she wraps in a kleenex when she takes it out - perhaps not the best routine) and telling her that Grampy hid it so he'd have an excuse to yell at her. [Don't worry - got an e-mail from my dad when I arrived last night letting me know the call had come in - they found the hearing aid and were exhausted from their day long search.]


• This note, left on the kitchen table, which is just quintessential Grammy and Grampy:

It reads:

#1 Bob there are two bananas wrapped in white napkins behind the buttering dish in the refrigerator.

#2 Bread for toasting is in the refrigerator. Please put it back for Helen.

Thank you.

Love Helen

If Paul and I can have an ounce of what these two have together, we'll be just fine.