Blowin' a hammie

Now that I actually attend the gym on a regular basis and can honestly tell a health care professional that I workout 4-5 times a week, I feel I have earned the right to judge some of the other gym goers*. (*Some of these characters are more ideal types than actual people, but some really, physically exist.) Let the stone throwing begin!

• The contortionist - what physical activity are you about to engage in that you need to do a full split in order to adequately prepare? I didn't see any uneven bars or regulation-height balance beams on my way in. This is not a Bally's fitness, it's a school gym. Just go back to your dorm and dedicate your energy to hooking up with the baseball player down the hall. You know that's where you'd rather be.


• The smelly guy - This one deserves a gendered pronoun because I have never in my life experienced an odor like this emanate from a woman. Body odor is one thing. If you don't want to use deodorant, well I guess I can suffer a little - it is the gym, after all. There are probably some health benefits to getting it all out. The other odors drifting over from your treadmill...those we've got to talk about. You are clearly quite the runner, and maybe you are more accustomed to exercising outside where the wind and your movement whisk your wind away. Here, however, we are indoors. We are stuck next to each other for the next 30 minutes or however long our workouts may last, and there is no excuse for your flatulence. I mean, sometimes cardio stirs up my tummy a little bit. I'll admit, I've let the occasional foof slip out. I'm not proud of it, but farts happen. Your problem seems to be much more systemic. May I suggest some Gas-X as a side dish to your PowerBar?


• The holder-on-for-dear-life - Do you really need to be walking that fast at that steep of an incline? It looks dangerous. In fact, I'm not only concerned for you - if you want to power-walk your self into oblivion and your parents aren't going to force you to see an eating disorder specialist against your will, that's your prerogative - but when your arm detaches at the shoulder socket - and believe me it will - and you go flying off the back of the treadmill, all 78 lbs of you are going to smash into the poor girl unfortunate enough to have chosen the recumbent bike behind you. And no matter how much mass you don't have, remember that (according to urban legend) even a globule of spit at the right velocity can kill someone.


• The grunter/weight slammer - Okay, I get it. You're huge. You are gargantuan. Your muscles rival Sly Stallone when in prime physical condition for any one of the Rocky movies. Your shoulders are so broad and ripped you probably can't wipe your own bum after you go the bathroom. Women line up just to get a glimpse of your manhood. Testosterone oozes from your acne-ridden pores. You are a living Adonis. Etcetera, etcetera. I get it! Really, I do, but do you really need to make those noises? It sounds like you could use some more fiber in your diet. Aren't GI problems one of the side effects of prolonged steroid use? And if you're so strong, why are you dropping the weights? You're going to make smelly guy poo himself, and I'm scared the vibrations will propel holder-on-er into bike girl.


• The porn star - I tend to err on the side of prudishness in the locker room. Perhaps its an artifact of being on a swim team with lots of other white, suburban girls equally unhappy about their bodies (can't they design a racing suit that doesn't turn your boobs into under-arm pudge or, at the very least, diminishes your bum as much as it does your bosom?). I don't think everyone should have to work so hard at keeping all their bits covered with the teeny, fraying, prison-issue gym towel. If you are proud of your body, whatever form it may take, all the power to you. HOWEVER, there is a fine line between being comfortable nude in front of others and being an exhibitionist. Do you really need to dry your hair in nothing but a thong? Is it absolutely necessary for you to apply your make-up while the rest of you is au natural (and your mons pubis is resting on the sink counter)? Does the elaborate performance that is your moisturizer applying regime increase its absorption into your skin, or do you just want to show off how little your thighs juggle even when vigorously rubbed? (P.S. Please pass along the name of your waxer, she's clearly very talented, as I can see that she has removed hair from very difficult to reach crevices of your body.)

And anyone who doesn't wipe off the machine when there is excessive visible perspiration should have a 20lbs medicine ball dropped on his or her foot.