Oscar highlights

The material provided by the Oscar's is just too good to pass up - sorry.

First of all, I have a major lady-crush on Helen Mirren. She looked positively rav-ish-ing. Thank you, Ms. Mirren, for showing the women of Hollywood that "age appropriate" does not equal "frumpy" and that "sexy" does not equal "slutty" when done correctly. Now if someone could just teach these girls a lesson about up-do's!

I know the phrase "up-do" may conjure up images of tight, Andrea Zuckerman style French twists and stacks of hairpins beside the sink for some, but for those that have access to celebrity stylists this is not a valid excuse. This isn't just some awards show - it's the awards show! Put your hair up! Yes, I mean you, Reese (this bangs thing has just gone too far - you bounced back from the divorce like a pro and are a hot single mom with a career and a sense of fashion, we get it). Gwyneth and Nicole, I don't know if you planned to do the matching side swept blond extension look, but would it really have been so hard to sweep those tresses up into a low pony or a loose chignon? The straightening iron is for use before appearances on Live with Regis and Kelly and E! interviews, not for the red carpet at the Academy Awards. Honestly, you two have been around long enough to know better.

My favorite moments of the evening all had to do with Al Gore. You have to appreciate An Inconvenient Truth for what it was - all politicians are self-congratulatory, but at least Al has a message and a purpose. Watching that movie was like watching my dad give a PowerPoint - I just wanted to give him a big hug afterwards. (The product placement was, for me, the biggest distraction. Every 10 minutes it was like, Al, are you being sponsored by Apple?)

Early in the night Ellen made the joke about America not voting for Jennifer Hudson on Idol, and now here she was (shocker of a win! nice job, J Hud, that's how to wear your hair down, and I am so glad you ditched that Judy Jetson shrug you were wearing on the Red Carpet - buxom girls can't do shrugs, sweetie; and, boy, did Beyonce looked piAssed!), whereas America did vote for Al Gore... [laughter ensues] That joke will never get old for me. I loved that Al went a little crazy after the 2000 disaster some called a Presidential election; I loved that he got all Castaway on us and grew that crazy hunter's beard and gained the combined weight of the Olsen Twins. I loved every second of it. And look how far he's come since then!

Then Melissa Etheridge won for best original song (looks like she's beating the cancer - hooray for her! - but has Jack Nicholson started chemo? I must have missed that memo, but I can't think of any logical reason why he would chosen to look like Daddy Warbucks' maniacal, meth-addicted little brother). The first person she thanked? Her wife, Tammy Lynn Michaels (who looks an awful lot like Dixie Chick Natalie Maines, don't you think?) That's right, conservative America, you heard correctly - wife. They're married. They sleep together. They do it - with each other - and they like it. As my brother-in-law's gran would say, "Anther one. Screwin'." I think, for once (and hopefully only once) in my life Tipper Gore and I were thinking the same thing - that's a damn good looking pair of lesbians.