Here are some important things I have learned as an adult (not quite sure when that happened) that I thought I, in my infinite wisdom, might share with you:
- When in doubt, do nothing (thanks for that one, Aunt Mary).
- Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to (e.g. What makes pad thai so darn tastey? Did he sleep with anyone while we were "on a break"? What makes the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser so darn effective?)
- In a pinch, a stapler makes a great hem/button.
- Stop the Q-tip when you get resistance (thank you for that one, Chandler Bing)
- Karma's a bitch (e.g. if you cheat on your girlfriend and don't use protection and there's a high probability your ex has an STI b/c she's a dirty slam pig and then you go to get tested and the nurse accidentally sticks the swap too far down your pee hole, so be it)
- There's a fine line between revenge and restoring the balance of cosmic justice - I like to err on the side of justice
- In a recipe you can substitute a mixture of 1/4 tsp lemon juice and 1/2 c milk for buttermilk
- There is no substitute for baking soda, or baking powder, I forget which...
- It is safe to chew while blowdrying your hair so long as you don't flip your head over
- It is not safe to chew while applying mascara
- Looking through a miscroscope and applying mascara are two things most successfully performed with your mouth wide open
- Hairspray gives you a competitive advantage when trying to kill a fly (it makes the wings sticky and slows them down)
- Always, always screen calls from my mother (now some of you may be thinking "but I don't know your mother, why would she ever call me, and how would she even get my number" - see, she's got your defenses down already)
Okie dokie, enough wisdom for a Sunday evening. I've got to go suspend all knowledge of reality so that I may enjoy a new episode of Desperate Housewives.
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